By: Dan Abramson
Everything You Need to Know About Paul Ryan (Explained by Someone Who Knows Little About Paul Ryan)
Mitt Romney has finally selected a running mate for the upcoming election, and despite his play-it-safe track record thus far, he chose a polarizing figure: Paul Ryan. So who is he? Let's take a look and answer any questions you may have. And as usual, I only have a cursory knowledge of the topic at hand.
Q: So who is this fucking guy?
A: Whoa, language. This is a family website.
Q: Sorry. But who is he?
A: I'm not really sure. But there's a chance he's going to be the second most powerful man in America which seems like it should be a terrifying thought (though the same could likely be said for Biden, but for completely different reasons, most of which involve imagining him sitting in the Oval Office while Barack goes to the bathroom and he's all like “ooh, what's this button?” and decimates North Korea).
Q: How old is he?
Q: Pretty young, no?
A: Very. He was a congressman by age 28 and has been an influential member of the GOP ever since. A boy wonder, if you will.
Q: Like Doogie?
A: No. Doogie was a child doctor, while Ryan just happens to be on the young side. Don't be an idiot with your worn-out references.
Q: Either way, that's pretty impressive.
A: It's even more impressive when you factor in that he's been moonlighting as a cast member of The Office for the last few years.
Q: But what about his policies? What does he stand for?
A: He is in good shape. Glad you noticed.
Q: I didn't ask about his exercise regiment.
A: I know, but I only know so much about Ryan. And one of those things is that he's a workout fiend. I have a good feeling the only the reason Mitt chose him as his running mate is because there was an awkward moment where Mitt got caught staring at Paul's perfect abs and he panicked and just blurted out “Oh, um, you should be my friend?” and Paul was like “do you mean Vice-President?” And then Mitt turned to Tim Pawlenty and mouthed “sorry.”
A: No. I think Mitt just appreciated the crease in Paul's jeans.
A: I get the sense you're not taking this seriously.
Q: C'mon, I'm just trying to figure out who this guy is. What about gay rights? Where does he stand on that?
A: Gays make him feel funny.
Q: How so?
A: Not the biggest fan of giving them the rights all humans deserve: opposes gay marriage, feels they shouldn't be allowed to adopt.
Q: What about women?
A: He's not a fan of them either, which isn't odd considering his over-compensating “Ew, gross” stand on homosexuality. Anyway, he's strongly against abortion, even in cases of rape and incest. Also wouldn't mind banning forms of birth control.
Q: What about this budget plan? He's famous for that, right?
A: Yes sir or madam. His budget plan was called the Path For Prosperity. The basic gist I get on it is he's planning on saving the federal budget by killing off old people?
Q: Do you just mean making drastic changes to Medicare?
Q: That's very different than just killing old people and you probably should not be generalizing like that.
A: Well you should be asking someone else questions because I obviously just skimmed an article on The Atlantic or something.
Q: So why was he really chosen as Mitt's running mate?
A: There's likely a variety of reasons: how he compliments Mitt, how he fires up the far-right in a way that Mitt was unable to, how he's a charismatic golden boy of the GOP. But honestly, I think the Romney campaign wanted two guys who won “Best Hair” in high school. Also, the notion of this guy facing off against Biden in a debate is somewhat terrifying if you're a Biden fan. Unless of course, the issue being debated is “How do you feel about squeezing air?” because as you'll see, Biden's got that one down.