By: Dan Abramson
Lucas is in third grade and on his latest report card, he received a “Shows Great Effort” in reading comprehension.
Do you need dating advice? Email Lucas as Lucas@funnyordie.com
There's a girl I'm digging on and I'm not sure if she's married. While I think she's vaguely referenced a “hubby” and I've seen her with some guy, she's not wearing a ring. Any ideas for how I can find out?
-Single in San Fran
The best way to find out if a couple is married is introduce them to a child. When I spy on my parents from the staircase, they never talk to each other. But the moment they see me they get really chatty! They say fun things like “We're locked into this til he's 18.” Hope that helps!
I feel like my job is hurting my libido. Any tips on staying strong in bed while weak at work?
-Overworked in Oregon
Eating? Eating makes your stronger and being strong in bed is very important. One time I saw my parents wrestling in bed and my Dad was winning. But I think the rules were different because my Mom kept telling him to pull her hair. It's like she's playing for the other team!
I've been with my boyfriend for almost eight years and I'm getting antsy. When can I expect him to propose?
-Ready in Rye
If you've known him as long as you say you have, that means you've known him your entire life and he's probably your brother. Marrying your brother seems fun because you already have the same family. I wish I had a sibling. Every time I ask my Mom for one, she says “It's not my fault you have no friends” and then laughs and walks away. She's always laughing, even when nobody is around. Sometimes her laughs turn into tears. Being a grown-up seems so fun!
My boyfriend and I have been together a while and things are starting to wane. I just don't think we have enough in common. Is that going to be a problem in the long run? Then again, things are still great in the sack, if you know what I mean.
-Conflicted in Carolina
I do not know what you mean. Please tell me.
Oh, right. You're just a kid. I don't know if I feel comfortable going into details.
-Still Conflicted in Carolina
Dear Still Conflicted,
I'm a licensed sex therapist. I can't help you until you fully open up.
You're right. Opening up is actually a problem I've always had, so let's just do this, right? The thing is that despite all our issues, my boyfriend never fails to get me off. All I want to do is screw his brains out. And it's clouding my assessment of the relationship as a whole. Even thinking about it gets me horny.
-Even More Conflicted
Lord knows I may not be the world's best mom, but I do know that what you are doing and saying to my child is disgusting and punishable by law. This is the last correspondence you will ever have with my child.
P.S. What's your boyfriend's name and address? I'll personally pay him a visit.
Previously: Dating Advice from an 8-Year-Old Part 1