By: Bryan Safi
7 Surprising Items in the New GOP Platform
1. BAN VAGINAS
Official Platform Language: “Republicans for a Vagina-Free Society! The Republican Party is blatantly against the use or possession of a vagina. Simply put, we don’t understand what’s going on down there. Like at all. Vaginas illicit from us the same feeling you get when you have to fill out insurance forms. Or when you watch Donnie Darko. What the hell is happening?! What is a tangent universe?! Where did the jet engine come from? And why did they cast Patrick Swayze as a child molester?!
2. NO ONE UNDER 40 ALLOWED IN THE GOP
Official Platform Language: “The Republican Party acknowledges that its policies completely turn off anyone that was born after 1972 – a time when Ali McGraw was the biggest star in America. Seriously, if you don’t remember that Ali McGraw was at one point considered the most influential woman in the country, ahead of Jackie Kennedy and Barbara Walters, then you are not allowed into this thing. We’re not even gonna try with you anymore. In fact, when you come knocking on our door the first question will be, “Who is Ali McGraw?” The second will be, “And where the hell is Bo Derek?”
3. GAY MARRIAGE? WE DON’T THINK SO.
Official Platform Language: “The Republican Party only acknowledges marriage between a man and a woman. But we do understand that it’s possible to get your dick stuck in a lot of different things. So, the Republican party believes in open marriage as long as no one ever knows about it. While we detest homosexuality and believe it leads to a life of destruction and sin, we are all for a progressive penis. As long as it leans to the right.”
4. ENFORCE P90X*
Official Platform Language: “Vice Presidential candidate Paul Ryan is a walking contradiction. Yes, his eyes are sad like a deer eating out of a dumpster. But his body is slammin’! Those glutes! Those biceps! Those calves that say, ‘This is a man’s body! A terrified, buff man’s body!’ And isn’t that what every man in the Republican Party aspires to be?
*Note: If you can’t afford P90X, the party encourages you to do push-ups so you can throw your grandmother out the window since she won’t be able to afford Medicare anyway.
5. DOLPHINS ARE PRETTY AMAZING
6. WE’RE GOING BACK TO DIAL-UP.
Official Party Language: “With all these new-fangled high-speed internet show-off things like Twitter and Roadrunners, we are finding it extremely difficult to retract the dumb things our politicians are saying in a timely matter. Therefore, all internet speed will be slow so that it allows us time to remove these terrible statements and pretend they didn’t actually happen. On another note, we should also go back to VHS because it’s easier to understand.”
7. PBS WILL BE REPLACED WITH A CHANNEL THAT ONLY SHOWS COORS LIGHT COMMERCIALS