By: Bryan Safi

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5 Ways the DNC Could Have Been Better

5. Bill Clinton's Speech Should Have Been Much, Much Longer

If you watched Bill Clinton’s keynote on Thursday, then I think you’ve already asked yourself this question – HAS TIME EVER GONE BY FASTER IN YOUR LIFE?! Honestly, Bill Clinton’s time on the DNC stage in Charlotte was so brief that all I can compare it to is that roller coaster feeling you get when you watch William Hurt in anything, especially The Big Chill. I wish it would have lasted at least 3 days, which I believe was the original length.


4. These Women Should Have Been the Keynote Speakers


Two scene-stealers and future stars of the Democratic Party, these women were robbed of the attention they deserved as we only got one shot of them during the convention coverage. At the very least, I think the 2016 Democratic ticket of “Concerned Sally Kirkland impersonator” and “Funky Gloria Stuart” is secure. One thing we can look forward to? Funky Gloria Stuart’s acceptance speech will be extremely inspired. “It’s been 84 years, and I can still smell the fresh paint. The china had never been used. The sheets had never been slept in. Titanic was called the Ship of Dreams, and it was. It really was. And so is THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA! AND LIKE THE TITANIC, WE WILL RISE…oh.”

3. Michelle Obama's Speech Was Terrible!

Well, she tried her hardest, that’s for sure. And after being lambasted by every media outlet in the world for doing such a disastrous job, the verdict was unanimous. And the verdict was – what the hell color were her nails?! Are they grey? As in 50 Shades of Grey?! No offense, but I don’t think it’s normal for the First Lady of our COUNTRY to refer to a book about SEX during the CONVENTION! And, by the way, who was watching Sasha and Masha?! Are we for sure they’re not missing?!

Well, at least our focus was in the right place during her speech. Which was terrible.


2. Witches Should Not Give Speeches

This woman’s name is Elizabeth Warren. And I may not be right about this, but I think Elizabeth Warren is a character in The Crucible. In fact, I know I think that. And I think she’s one of the girls who was caught in the forest with Abigail, dancing and conjuring spirits. And then she goes to the witch trial and starts calling people witches right to their faces. And she loves doing it! It makes her feel important! So why was she at the convention, casting spells and wearing old-fashioned glasses??? It was just distracting and made me sad because poor Tituba. Poor Daniel Day-Lewis. Poor Joan Allen. But NOT poor Winona Ryder.



I get that Obama isn’t that into a Chris Brown-Rihanna reunion (his loss), but I can’t think of one peace talk that could compare to the tingling I felt when the Ike and Tina of the 21st century saw each other at the VMAs and were like, “This feuding has gotten out of hand. I’m ready to reach across the aisle, pat your head and move on. Let’s make a change. Let’s make America better. Also, is this a camera opp or is this a camera opp?!” At least I assume that’s what they said.


Other than that, I guess the DNC was okay.

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