By: Dashiell Driscoll
Eddie Winslow (Family Matters)
You might not know this about Eddie Winslow, but the guy has a serious gambling problem. He had run-ins with pool sharks, illegal underground casinos and violent bookies before he was eligible to vote. Without the Chicago schools to keep him out of trouble, it’s only a matter of time before he loses everything in a backroom poker match at Aunt Rachel’s restaurant or a high stakes game of H.O.R.S.E. Oddly enough, none of this will impact Eddie’s long term future of becoming a cop in season nine. Police are corrupt all over and a rookie whose only moral flaw is a gambling addiction is a relatively clean addition to the team. It’s probably the best thing to happen to the Chicago PD since Carl transferred there after thwarting the Nakatomi Plaza terrorist attack of ’88.
Kel Kimble (Keenan and Kel)
Keenan will be able to take this time off and use it productively by spending extra hours working at Rigby’s. Kel on the other hand, whose parents are rich and busy scientists according to Wikipedia, will succumb to the pitfalls of a wealthy youth with too much time and no responsibility. In other words, he’s going to start doing a lot of cocaine. His once innocent schemes will be replaced with some straight up coke dreams. “Hey, Keenan! I GOT IT! Let’s start a record label and then we make our own clothing line and we get half naked models to wear half of our clothes at mansion parties whenever we drop a new track. But first we need to call Jeff’s guy and get more of this. Who loves white soda? Kel loves white soda! Awww, here it goes!” Basically like “Traffic” but sadder.
Kelly Bundy (Married With Children)
Kelly Bundy was never the brightest bulb in the lamp store (note to self: stop payment on check to metaphor coach) and her years in a classroom was only holding her back. No blame can be placed on the hard working educators of Chicago, this hard drive just wasn’t built for mass storage. High school for Kelly was an endless stream of lackluster suitors that positively reinforced her negative pattern of dressing provocatively to get a man’s attention. With school on pause, Kelly would join the work force earlier in life and find some real meaning in a profession that improves her community. That’s right, she’d fufill her destiny and become The Verminator. Kelly was The Verminator (a superhero mascot for a pest control company) from season six to season nine. While her outfit wasn’t too dissimilar from what she wore to school, it was a role that empowered her and gave her purpose. Bud, however, will use the time off from school to sit at home and masturbate in the basement. So everybody wins, I guess.
Webster’s adoptive parents can definitely afford a private tutor. He’ll be fine. Even without a proper education, he’s part of a loaded family. In a country that values money and ignorance over hard work and intellect, he never really had anything to worry about once those adoption papers were signed. The real loser here will be one sad employee of the school system. Season two of “Webster” features a very special episode where Webster helps the school janitor get back into a career of magic. What will The Great Walnutto do without Webster’s exuberant encouragement? He’ll probably continue life as a custodian, winding down his time on earth while the sun slowly sets on his dream. One day he’ll pick up a phone to call his estranged daughter only to realize it’s too late. She doesn’t need him and he knows it. It turns out he was a magician after all: he transformed his self-loathing into neglect and then he made her disappear. He puts down the phone and picks up a loaded revolver. “Suck it like a dick,” he says to himself through a river of tears. He pulls the trigger. Looks like someone else is going to have to clean up this mess.
Romeo Santana (The Steve Harvey Show)
Romeo Santana was one of Steve Hightower’s favorite students and- wait. His name was Romeo Santana? Wow. That name is to names what Steve Harvey’s suits are to clothing: loud, ridiculous and the kind of shit you could only get away with in 1997. You’d like to think that Romeo Santana would apply for some jobs while the schools are closed, just so employers have the chance to read his name aloud and scoff in his face at the idea of writing him a paycheck. Hopefully this would give him time to legally change his name before all of his college applications get laughed out of the admissions office. He needs to either get rid of that title or consider a career as a male stripper. If anyone named Romeo Santana is offended by reading this, I’m sorry for a variety of reasons.
Balki Bartokomous (Perfect Strangers)
Balki was going to night school to get his GED, so you might think this strike doesn’t affect him. You might think wrong! Balki’s class would be overrun with cast out Chicago high school students looking to wrap up this chapter of academia. He wouldn’t get the attention in class that he needed and would also be unable to compete with these indigenous students. He certainly wouldn’t be the valedictorian of his class when he graduated in season three (if he graduated at all) and thus would not have the confidence or r ‘sum ‘ to climb the ranks at The Chicago Chronicle. That means he wouldn’t get to write his comic strip for the paper about his beloved sheep in season seven. Won’t somebody please think of Balki’s comic strip and give these teachers what they want? We give banks whatever they ask for and they turn around and charge us $35 when our accounts run out of money. If anyone tries to argue against the teachers in Chicago, look them in the eye and say, “Man, you probably love banks and hate Balki Bartokomous.” Then walk away and let them marinate on that.