By: A General Nonchalance

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5 Things to Expect During The First Presidential Debate

1. Obama Playing It Incredibly Safe (AKA Shutting Up)

Romney's going to come out swinging; he needs to since he's in “oh shit why didn't anybody tell me the election is only a month away and why didn't anybody stop me from saying all those terrible things” mode. This means Obama will just let him fire away, all while keeping his mouth shut. It's like playing tennis against someone whose strategy is to wait for you to make a mistake. Like they're clearly not the best tennis player/President but if they just slowly hit the ball over every time, eventually their opponent will get antsy and start trying to fire poor people.

2. The Comedic Stylings of Mitt Romney

Reports from the Romney camp say the candidate was “working on zingers” to fire off at the President. Can't wait.

3. Bill Clinton's Approval

Every time Obama makes a point, expect him to scan the audience for the approval of one man: Bill Clinton, who around the Clinton household is known as “this fucking guy,” a nickname he received after spending an entire year going “Who's got two thumbs and Domino's on speed dial?” Clinton has made it clear that all Democratic decisions go through him and Obama should seek his approval for everything he does. Expect some cut-aways to him in the crowd, where he'll act like he doesn't know the camera is on him, only to wink at the perfect moment.

4. Romney Smiling at the Camera. Over and Over Again.

Television is a visual medium, something you know from years of watching TV on the internet and seeing GIFable moments spread through your Tumblr account. And as such, candidates have historically lost points by acting a specific way: George Bush Sr. checking his watch in '92, John Kerry leaving to read a newspaper during Bush's turn to speak, and Bill Clinton bagging two babes at once and making Bob Dole watch in '96. Good or bad, these gave insights to the character of the candidate and influenced the decisions of the voters. Obama and Romney know this and have been trained to make friends with the camera. Expect Romney's handlers to push the “pretend that you feel feelings” agenda on their boss, leading to an endless array of fake smiles at the camera. The kind of smile your quiet neighbor gives you right before he murders your family.

5. Media Outlets Predictably Annointing Winners

Headlines you will undoubtedly see the morning after:

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