By: Juliet Seniff
Accidentally Dropping Your Hamburger Into A Pool
Now I realize this not exactly on par with canceling Sesame Street, but should this ever happen to you, you'll know what I mean. There's just something indescribably sad about watching your hamburger get wet and your condiments float away in weird globs.
Becoming a Film-to-Book Author
There are cool people out there in the world who write books. And there are cool people out there in the world who write movies. And then there are people out there in the world who write books BASED on movies. So no matter how much your job sucks balls, try to remember that.
Meeting Someone Who Thinks New Mexico is Another Country
By the time you're employed as an orthodontist's technician, you should not be asking your middle school-aged patients if “New Mexico is a state now”. This exact question was posed of me while my braces were being tightened in the 8th grade. I realize now that it was one of my earliest glimpses into America's education crisis.
Becoming a Pervy Asshole After Being a Beloved 80s Sitcom Star
There's just something about being an adorable, squeaky clean 80s sit-com star that ensures that 1) you'll believe you're invincible and 2) you'll become a mysoginistic weirdo thirty years later. Dennis Haskins (aka Mr. Belding) is now best known for trolling Burbank karaoke bars in search of college-aged women with no self-esteem. Ladies, it may sound cute to take a pic with the Big Bopper, but two drink and two rufinols later, no bell in the world will be able to save you. (Dustin Diamond takes close second after writing his pervy tell-all book, revealing the horrifying statistic that he banged 2,000 women in his lifetime, most of whom he picked up at Disneyland. 3rd place – Bob Saget.)
Have you seen this Geico commercial? It's really, really sad.
And finally, Kitten Rape
That's right. There's nothing in the whole world I can think of that would be sadder than raping this kitten. He doesn't want to be raped, he just wants to be cuddled!