By: Dan Abramson
Listen, the above GIF is not just presented for entertainment. It's a metaphor for how I feel rooting for the Bills (minus the hating you part). Since I spent a good chunk of last week's recap letting my tears do the typing, I'll forgo the section on my beloved, possibly retarded Bills this week. Yes, I know they won. But did they really? Did they? I don't recall ever feeling as letdown with a victory as I did with that one.
Anyway, let's move on from them and cover some real teams with some real players. Here we go.
Like Ray Lewis. Ray Lewis died on Sunday. Even if his number's have declined, this is a huge blow for the Ravens considering the intangibles he brings to the team. Ray Lewis is the Derek Jeter of the Ravens ‘if Jeter was once arrested for manslaughter.
Lewis' injury overshadowed a delightful bumbling of errors by the Cowboys. I swear Tony Romo is the Hugh Grant of the NFL. I wouldn't trust him to carry my team, but his casual ineptitude never fails to charm me. (Yes, I realize Dez Bryant and Jason Garrett may be more to blame, but they don't fit my pointless narrative.)
In Philadelphia, the Eagles blew at ten point fourth quarter lead and fell to Detroit. But in bigger news, Michael Vick is now the proud owner of a new dog and oh boy are people upset. As you may remember, Michael Vick ran a super happy fun time kennel for pups and that's exactly what happened or at least that's how I remember it because it hadn't been mentioned in years. That is, until he started fumbling every time he looked at a football.
Matt Ryan and Falcons took down the mighty Raiders and are now 6-0 and whatever I don't care. If they were the best team in the league, a distinction they'd like to have, they'd have a State Farm agent who moonlights as their quarterback.
Not that I'm saying actor/quarterback Aaron Rodgers and the Packers are the best team in the league (though they did play like it in their touchdown party against the Texans). I just felt the need to bring up the State Farm commercials and I didn't have another segue. Rodgers' acting ability really has come a long way since he was an intern for that Scranton paper company. And that discount double check? Somehow I don't hate it? That's honestly the best compliment I can give a commercial these days. That I do not hate it. All of that said, I get the sense that on Sundays I turn on the TV to watch State Farm and Toyota Tundra commercials only to be interrupted by football. Granted it's better than the year we were subjected to John Mellencamp singing about America every commercial break (fuck both of things, right guys?), but this needs to end.
I can't figure out the 49ers. Sometimes they look like the best team in the history of football and sometimes they get manhandled by a child battling jetlag on the west coast.
My hat is off to Eli. If he didn't have the face that he has or the famous brother, we really would be including him in the conversation of best quarterbacks in the league. But alas he has that face and he has that brother.
Speaking of…if you missed Monday night's game, here are the important things to know:
1. Peyton Manning led a dramatic comeback victory after being down 24-0 at half time.
2. After the game, a Chargers lineman was interviewed in front of the San Diego glory hole.
I'd be remiss if I did not mention Sir Robert Griffin III in this week's recap. Not because of any jokes that can be made. But, like, if I'm going to pretend that this is a real analysis of the NFL's action, he needs to be mentioned. He's a video game quarterback. He's Randall Cunningham of Tecmo Superbowl — or QB Eagles as he was adorably dubbed as he did not give the Tecmo people the rights to use his name.
Aaaand there's nothing left that I care to talk about. The Seahawks upset the Patriots, I guess. I'm tired of talking about the Patriots and I GET IT THE NFC WEST IS REAL NOW. Whatever, he's a man getting hit by a football.