By: Casey Rand

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Republican-Approved Birth Control Methods


Also known as “Mamma’s Milk” in circles of women who use hair spray, this oral contraceptive is a refreshing way to shrivel a bat growing in your uteral cave. For optimal results, consume at least one liter straight from the bottle, 20 minutes before intercourse (the thing where the husband takes off his pants on the wife and makes tennis noises while she daydreams about monograms). Side effects include uncontrollable crying, trying on old cheerleading uniforms, and heartburn.

Diet Dr. Pepper

Underage conservatives and regular age Mormons who are prohibited (by law, and Joseph Smith Jr., respectively) from hitting the Lyndeman’s Reserve, are encouraged to chug the next best thing. Loaded with enough chemicals to drown all of John Mayer’s splooge in one sip, Diet Dr. Pepper is a cheap and affordable way to strangle the roots of a sprouting family tree. Now, you may be thinking, “Hold your posthumous conversions! Mormons can’t drink caffeine.” Well that’s true, but a sexually active polygamist must choose his battles, and in this case, aspartame wins.


Though not the most popular choice among Republican women, the tush push is a practical way to keep the college fund in tact. However, with a pre-coital Judith Lieber handbag or ornamental Lladro gift required before every session, this plan can get costly.

Heterosexual Man-play ‘

A less expensive and more satisfying alternative to the above, Heterosexual Man-play ‘ is the absolute most effective and widely practiced Republican form of birth control. By engaging in secret, non-gay, pants-optional wrestle games, there is literally zero chance a GOP man will impregnate an icky woman person. Look for Heterosexual Man-play ‘ in airport bathrooms, select Waffle Houses, and the Internet.

Money Mats

Hands-down the oldest practice on this list, money mats have been preventing accidental Republican gene spills since the dawn of money. To begin, the husband must order uncut sheets of legal tender from the US government (available in $1, $2, $5, $10, $20 and $50 bills). When they arrive in 2-10 business days, depending on his shipping preferences, he must woo his wife into making love by playing Kenny Chesney’s “Somewhere With You” and slow dancing away from the vacuumed carpet. If he succeeds, he can then pull out of her Virginia seconds before climax, redirecting his ejaculate onto a crisp mat of optional denominations. Remember, though money mats do prevent pregnancy, they do not prevent sex itself, which may be an issue for some Republican women.

Mind Control

Let’s be honest. Even Republicans make mistakes; remember Herman Cain? Woops! So, when a horny elephant finds himself with nothing but full-calorie soda and a pocket full of coins, it’s only natural he might accidentally leave a deposit in an offshore account. But fear not, because the female Republican mind has the power to shut down any bill trying to illegitimately pass through her pelvic floor. Who do you think taught her husband to do it in congress? Are we* right, ladies?

*We, representing the panel of penised foxhunters penning this post.


From time to time, a determined zygote manages to weasel its way out of a telepathic iron grip (see above). Those are just the facts of life. Like Obama being an undercover Hezbollah agent, or ribbed turtlenecks flattering the boobs. When this happens, there’s only one remaining Republican-approved birth control option; carry the bean for nine months, birth it in the all-marble suite of a private hospital made of crystal, drive it out to your special nature place, and shoot it with your freedom rifle (available at retail outlets nationwide).

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