By: Dan Abramson

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NFL Week 7 Recap: Cam Newton Dressed Up for His Demise, The Patriots are Mortals, and More

To the four people who regularly look forward to this: Sorry this is up so late. Was busy traveling yesterday. You see, when you’re a big time NFL Recapper like myself you get flown across the country on flights that may or may not have been hijacked by 80 babies who all decide to all sit in your row.

Anyway, on to the recap.

Actually, before we do that, let’s start with the commercials. Every week it seems that the NFL decides on one commercial to run and does so every single commercial break for six straight hours. If you’re that product, awesome. If you’re a human being watching the games (100% of the audience), it gets a little tiresome. Of course that may not be the case if you LOVE Toyota pick up trucks and are just excited to see it get some face-time, but I digress.

This week’s honor went to DirectTV with their ad for the tooth-brushing rapist.


A couple things here:

  1. Why are they so upset? They have a giant hologram-TV, a fact they're completely ignoring. This couple should be grateful for the advances in technology and also invite me over for their bathroom TV parties.
  2. I understand the joke they're going for. “Why don't we have sex anymore,” it's trying to imply. No problem. That is a standard TV commercial joke typified by the angsty husband upset that marriage = no sex. So good, right? Yeah, so good. Great joke, guys. BUT, that's not what the exchange actually is. She says something like “It's like they're watching me walk around naked.” And he goes “At least somebody gets to,” before getting back to brushing his teeth like a child who saw a grown-up do it once and wants to be an adult. WHAT. Basically he's just saying he's upset that he doesn't get to spy on his wife while she's naked. How did this idea get greenlit? What ideas did this beat out?


Moving along, speaking of things that are talked about in a office sexual harassment seminar, the Saints beat the Bucs after Tampa Bay receiver Mike Williams was called for “illegal touching.”


Oh Ben! You didn't do anything and I no longer think about you but I can't help but make that joke. As long as you continue to pay no consequences for your past, I will keep you in my memories. By the way the Steelers beat one of the Ohio teams and whatever.
What happened to Cam Newton and the Panthers? After losing to the Hugh Grant-led Dallas Cowboys, his team sits at 1-5 and have fired their GM. Newton let all his emotions out at the post-game press conference, expressing exasperation with his performance and that of OH WHO AM I KIDDING CHECK OUT THIS SWEATER:


Very stylish. Though I feel like I've seen it before.


Aaaand now let's get to my Bills, who lost to the mighty Tenessee Titans who are now led by Elizabeth Hesselbeck's brother-in-law. I saw a question posted on ESPN (the TV station, not the restaurant in Times Square) that said “Do the Bills have the worst defense of all time?” I don't want to overreact, but yes. Without a doubt. 100% That said, while it's rare that a team gets associated with the phrase “historically bad” this often, let's not focus on the negatives here. We're a part of history, guys! We can tell our grandkids all about the time that the Bills fielded a video game defense and paid 200 million dollars to do so.
It's not just the defense that's wrong in Buffalo. Whatever points I'd make have already been made by real analysts (see: “historically bad”). Let's take a look at their coach. I think my favorite part about Chan Gailey is you really have no clue what he's thinking. Below I've broken down three scenarios from the last couple weeks:

  • Scenario One: 4th and 1 at the Titans 12. Team averaging 7 yards per carry. Tight game. Gailey goes for the field goal. Very conservative call that would come back to haunt them later as they lost by one. On the other hand ‘
  • Scenario Two: Protecting a three-point lead with under three minutes left in Arizona, in Arizona territory, he calls a Wildcat pass from the poor man's Kordell Stewart that is intercepted, as opposed of running out the clock with this star running backs.
  • Scenario Three: This week during the fourth quarter, Gailey made an appearance on the stadium jumbotron and announced “Would anyone else like to coach this team? I clearly have no idea what I'm doing.” It was a bizarre move, but not shocking. And I appreciated his honesty.

Alright, I'm done with the Bills for this week and possibly life.
The Patriots needed overtime to take down Mark Sanchez, Turtle, Drama, E, and the gang. The game was not so much a reflection of the Jets as much as it was an indication that the Patriots are mortal. Even Tom Brady, who years ago sold his soul so that he would not age.


Some quick hitters to cover the rest of the league as it's essentially Wednesday by now, which means that the following week's games start tomorrow because that way the NFL can make more money while you spend less and less time with your family:

  • RGIII is unreal. Eli Manning, however, thrives on looking like a child lost in a department store until crunch time when he's told he gets to throw a long bomb.
  • The Bears took down the Lions in a game that was overlooked because twelve undecided voters needed to be told how to think.
  • Michael Vick somehow fumbled his bye week.
  • There's currently a magazine on my desk with Anna Kendrick on the cover. Not sure how I feel about her. I mean, I don't dislike her. But does that mean I think she's a leading lady? Feel free to chime in below.
  • Adrian Peterson has the healing power of an action movie hero. This guy's body has been through so much, yet he still powers through defenses and walks on glass and fights Alan Rickman.
  • The AFC East is the new NFC West

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