By: Dan Abramson
Just a heads up: I'm writing this from NY, which as you can see from the pictures below that I've grabbed from the WeatherChannel.com, is currently in the middle of a hurricane.
Okay fiiiiiine. You're on to me. I may have grabbed the last picture from a movie called “Twister.” What I'm getting at is this that I may die in the middle of writing this or the power could go out and I'd lose internet WHICH IS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING THING, RIGHT GUYS? #TECHNOLOGYZINGS. So let's make this quick because I'd hate for my life to end while adding Impact font to pictures of Michael Vick.
Speaking of New York. Let's start with the hometown teams. The Jets were dominated by the Dolphins, BUT not all was lost here; Jets OC Tony Sparano finally broke out his long-gestating plan to maximize Tim Tebow's effectiveness in New York.
I know what you're saying: “Excellent photoshop. It's almost TOO real.”
And the Giants? They blew a 23-0 lead and came within literally an inch of losing this game. If Dez Bryant had stub fingers, which would be very comical for a professional wide receiver, this would have been a Cowboys victory. But alas, full-sized fingers will pointed in Dallas. Mostly at quarterback Hugh Grant, who tossed four picks. No word on if the Giants made the flight home, or if Eli got scared after his Dad called him to tell him to be safe with the Hurricane.
Tom Brady and the Patriots traveled all the way to London to shit on the Rams. But in bigger news ‘YUP. LONDON WAS RENAMED STUD CITY.
To be honest, I have no idea where David Beckham actually lives. It's quite possible he's in Los Angeles because he's spent the last 5 years personifying America's disinterest in soccer. But for the sake of the many women they impregnated during the night on the town they had in my imagination, let's say he's in London. The point is, the Patriots crushed the Rams in this year's attempt for the NFL to get Europe excited about football. While the 45-7 shellacking was all fine and dandy, I suggest that next year they change the rules for a day and let Tom Brady have sex with his supermodel wife after each first down. I know the turnaround time is asking a lot of Tom, but it's worth it in case there's one impressionable chap in the crowd thinking “American football's not so bad, when you factor out the deadly injuries and factor in the on-field love-making.”
The Steelers took down the Redskins. Two very important takeaways from this game. One, the Steelers throwback jerseys are far too jarring. Here's a shot of receiver Mike Wallace from yesterday's victory.
Second, Washington DB DeAngelo Hall was ejected after getting a little too chummy with the refs. While it appears he’s firing off his Top 10 Favorite Expletives of the Year, a closer look reveals that’s anything but the case.
I haven't been following the Bears this season, but I see that they're 6-1? And they have some guy named Tim Jennings who has six interceptions. Despite knowing full well that he looks like this ‘
I can't help but picture him as this…
Good news! The Bills were on bye this week and Ryan Fitzpatrick was unable to throw any interceptions. Or so I thought.
Alright, I'm gonna get going because the wind's picking up and I'm starting to fear for my life. Real quick:
- The Chiefs are somehow worse than the Bills? Fun fact: they've yet to have a lead in regulation in a game this year. But at least they've had a series of concussions.
- Chargers LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL
- I feel no need to discuss what happens in Packers games. Aaron Rodgers = good. Got that, everyone? So instead I will again focus on his commercial performances. In the “Career Day” spot that State Farm runs every four seconds, he absolutely nails the line after the kid goes “that's not a real job” when Aaron says he's a football player. Granted, he just goes “Well-” and I'm pretty sure he didn't know the camera was on for that take, but it's a stellar comedic delivery.
- Peyton Manning is dominating again. Great, sure, whatever.
- Andrew Luck still looks like he took a shit on the floor of your living room because he thought it would be “a funny goof.”
Anyway, that's it. Hope you enjoyed the last NFL recap ever written. Here's me right now:
Thank you to Adam Conrad for sending me the ESPN screenshot.