By: Dan Abramson
Hey before I get going, I'd like to issue an apology for not having a recap last week. And I'd like to issue a “please don't kill me” to the ominous tweets, messages, and texts I got after not writing one. So again, to clarify, I a) am sorry and b) have no interest in being killed.
Great. Let's move on to this week, starting with the fact that everyone in NFL got concussions. Seriously everyone. Here's a rundown of the players who left with injuries to their brains: Michael Vick, Jay Cutler, Alex Smith, Brandon Myers. Here's a list of players who left with concussion symptoms (possible injuries to their brains): Jeremy Maclin, Dennis Pitta, Fred Jackson. Here's a list of players who constantly look like they've had concussions: Eli Manning, Philip Rivers. I'm not a head trauma expert or anything (the kind of guy who studies the amount of potentially fatal head blows vs. the amount of players in the league), but that is far too many concussions for one afternoon. There's no other profession where a key metric at the end of the day is “How many of our employees took a year off of their life this week?”
I don't know what's going on with Eli and the Giants, who got crushed by the Bengals. It's like Eli's spent a few too many nights getting all jazzed on Jolt Cola and losing sleep because he's not comfortable with what's happening to his body. His passes are inaccurate, he's not making his reads, and on many occasions just looked dazed. like that time he walked in on his parents having sex, thought they were fighting, and made the honest mistake of trying to break it up. The Bengals on the other hand continued to be a team that has A.J. Green, and thus, a competitive team.
On to the Jets and Seahawks. While Eli's play has been all over the place, the Jets marquee quarterback is nothing if not consistent. Unfortunately, he's consistently terrible. But at least it's something.
In New England, the Patriots topped Buffalo in a surprisingly close game. One in which Bill Belichick expressed his feelings toward the turf.
As for the actual game, the Patriots survived a late comeback from the Bills and blah blah Ryan Fitzpatrick interception of course, etc. After the game, a Buffalo paper wrote the “The Bills played admirably.” It's easily the most positive press the team has gotten in years.
In Miami, the Dolphins have come crashing back to earth after a strong October, getting blown out by the lowly Titans. And to make things worse, here is the embodiment of every Miami Dolphins fan:
Speaking of ‘POP THOSE CHAMPAGNE BOTTLES, 1972 DOLPHINS! That's right, the Falcons undefeated season came to an end as they fell to New Orleans. The 1972 Dolphins are still the best team ever; one that would lose to a team of Mark Sanchezs if they played today and Mark Sanchez could clone himself, the latter of which would likely be the top headline of the year, much to the chagrin of the time-traveling football team.
That's it for the AFC East, and I know I spend a lot of time on those four teams, but there's a good reason for it: I'm very very biased.
The Thursday night game happened. Sure. Whatever. Colts beat the Jags and who cares. Here's a GIF of the depressed Jaguars fans. My favorite part is not their super funny spoof shtick, but the indifferent old woman on the right.
The Vikings denied the resurgence Detroit. I'll use this as a reminder that Adrian Perterson is clearly not a human being. Only Wolverine has the ability to heal at the pace in which Peterson has. And I could be wrong (not a big X-Men fan), but Wolverine has never led the NFL in rushing. Advantage: Peterson.
There was a wild one in San Francisco, where the the Rams and 49ers TIED after each failed to score in overtime.
A few more things that I will break down in the simplest way possible:
- Denver's defense = good
- Norv Turner's existence = not good
- Calvin Johnson = good
- Mario Williams's contract = not good
- Drew Brees = good
- The employment outlook in Philadelphia = not good
- How easy it is for me to cover the rest of the league with this stupid bit = good
- This stupid bit = not good
That's it! Here's me as I finish writing this recap:
Oh, for the record, I'm not referring to Scarjo. No no no. I'm Jon Favreau, showing no shame as he stares at her ass.