By: Dan Abramson
Good news! More concussions this week, as Dennis Pitta, Isaac Redman, LeSean McCoy all took years off their life for our entertainment. I hope it was worth it guys!!!! No big deal, though. It's not like anybody died this week because of football.
That is how bad the Kansas City Chiefs are. You should feel terrible about yourself Chiefs, as your decision to send your team out on Sundays with a one-two punch of Matt Cassel and Brady Quinn is like sending a sandwich out to fight a couple of mouths with nothing but mustard and side of potato salad.
OH SHIT EXCUSE ME WHILE I DOLE OUT HIGH FIVES FOR THAT PERFECT ANALOGY.
Aaaand I'm back. The point is, the Chiefs are the worst but can take solace knowing they killed a guy. That and playing the Bengals is unfair given the presence of A.J. Green, who needs to stop making Andy Dalton look like an All-Pro.
Speaking of quarterbacks looking good, nothing resembling the beginning of this sentence happened in Atlanta this week, where Falcons won an ugly one against the Cardinals. Matt Ryan threw five interceptions and somehow came out on top. How, you ask? Arizona unveiled their Lindley, whatever the fuck that is. The Arizona Lindley feels like an old dance move that your grandparents bring up when you're ignoring them. Apparently Lindley is a quarterback who is not very talented, one who guided the Cardinals to 41 TOTAL PASSING YARDS. To put that in perspective, the Texans Matt Schaub had 43 completions this week.
While we're on Schaub, the Texans escaped an upset at the hands of the Jacksonville Jaguars, Florida's own Kansas City Chiefs. Raise your hand if you had Chad Henne starting in your fantasy league. Cool, very glad I could meet someone from 2010 and/or a giant liar. Henne not only threw four TDs and 354 yards, but he now looks like this:
The Nick Foles era began for Philadelphia! Aaaand the Nick Foles era ended for Philadelphia. Alright, I have no idea how long the Foles era will last, what with Vick in the doghouse (LOOK WHAT I JUST DID JOKES LOLLOLOLOLOLOLOL) and Andy Reid wishing he was in the aforementioned sandwich/mouth face-off. More importantly, the Eagles loss to the Redskins again confirmed the dazzling abilityof RGIII, who entered the stadium like this:
The Jets won! Look at that! Mark Sanchez looked great! By great of course, I mean serviceable. Of course, if he throws one more incompletion, fans will again be calling for Tebow. Understandable as he dominated to the tune of -6 yards against the Rams. All the guy the does is win.
On the behalf of the Bills, I would like to apologize to America that their victory was your national game on Thursday night. At least you got to see their best player, C.J. Spiller shine in the spotlight, right before being relegated back to the bench because Chan Gailey must have money on the Bills' opponents each week.
Hey remember that time that the Patriots decided to continue being jerkstores and ran up the score against the Colts? And then – get this – their star tight end broke his arm because fuck those guys? Remember that? Classic stuff in Foxboro.
Okay, I'm done here. Not because I nailed it and I'm happy to move on with other things in my life. No sir or madam. If anything, I've left out major stories from the past weekend. But do I need to tell you Peyton Manning is still Peyton Manning? Or that Drew Brees is still Drew Brees? And do I need to tell you that Ben Roethlisberger could only look on wistfully as his teammates dressed up in comically outdated prison uniforms.
No, you do not. And thus, I will see you next week.