By: Dan Abramson
10 Things You Can Do to Spoil Your Family’s Thanksgiving
1. Bring a homeless man you met at the bus stop and tell your family he's the best chef you've ever met and he needs to massage the turkey before anyone eats it.
2. Show up wearing ten jackets and repeatedly ask all the guests if you can take their coats.
3. When the turkey is about to be carved, scream “MURDERER” every time the knife makes contact with the skin. Then demand you be served the first plate and talk about how much you “love turkey in your tummy.”
4. When the turkey is in the oven constantly remark how hot it is in the kitchen and slowly remove your clothes. When you get quizzical looks, and you will, inform them that it's all a trick and that the Turkey has reversed the beams. Explain, “While he's safe in there, we're all being cooked out here” and slowly back out of the room.
5. Constantly ask your mother when she stopped loving you.
6. When it's your turn to say what you're thankful for, laugh a little to yourself, and say “Life. Just life, man.” Then grab the hand of the person next to you and squeeze while maintaining eye contact.
7. Offer to make a side dish. Then sit in the backyard with a tub of butter and a head of iceberg lettuce and yell while you churn. When your uncle asks when it will be ready, look at him, point back to the house, and say “It'll be ready when it's ready.”
8. Show up with your new girlfriend, who you constantly refer to as “mother.”
9. Show up with blood on your shirt and never address it. When your family asks about it, shrug and go “Oh, laundry day” and remove your shirt to reveal a gaping wound on your torso.
10. During the meal, constantly remark, “I was told there'd be pie” and then give your grandmother a hearty slap on the back. Do this every five minutes until pie is served, upon which you storm out of the room, claiming it's too “crusty.”