By: Dashiell Driscoll
Twitter is so Obama’s first term. Everybody knows Pinterest is where it’s at these days. What better way for Chris to connect with the female members of Team Breezy than through the world’s largest database of nail art and “Bridesmaids” screen caps? Check out Chris’ fitness board for tips on how to work your abs and his makeup board for help finding the right shade of concealer to hide your badly bruised face. Men can check his fashion board for a comprehensive guide to never wearing a shirt.
Quit Other Stuff
Quitting Twitter gives Chris Brown all kinds of free time to quit other stuff. He could quit getting dumb tattoos (unlikely), quit making bad music (significantly more unlikely) or quit acting like a jackass (seemingly impossible). Just don’t expect him to quit quitting. Oddly enough, that’s the one thing a quitter will never give up. Chris Brown couldn’t beat “quitting” if it was the name of his girlfriend. Wait, never mind. Then he totally could. That’s definitely something he could accomplish.
Anyone shocked by Chris Brown’s threat to shit in Jenny Johnson’s eye over the weekend never played Call of Duty on Xbox Live. Judging by some of the colorful insults he threw around, Brown will fit right in with the tweens playing Halo 4; a loose grasp on gender and sexuality supplemented by an arsenal of synonyms for penis. Don’t be surprised if he leaves a match halfway through when he’s losing.
Catch Up on “Sons of Anarchy”
Like so many of us, C-Breez probably stopped watching “Sons of Anarchy” somewhere in the middle of season three. It got kind of boring when they went to Ireland and once you miss one week of an hour long drama it’s hard to get back on that proverbial bike. But now that he’s not talking shit to strangers on Twitter, Chris has an open schedule to catch up with SAMCRO on Netflix. Bonus: It’s the only TV show where a woman will occasionally get the shit beaten out of her with zero repercussions.
Harass Women IRL
Now that he’s off Twitter, he will have ample time to angrily confront women in real life. When you think Chris Brown, you think “authenticity” and this seems like a great opportunity to show folks he’s really about that life. No longer confined to his timeline, Brown is free to hang out in Best Buy and tell any woman not buying a copy of his album to remove the dick from her mouth. Or put a dick in her mouth. Basically, he’s got the spare time to talk dicks and mouths with anybody willing to listen.
Join Twitter Again
Here’s an educated guess at the email Chris Brown will send Twitter within a month: “Hey, girl. Look, I know I said some things. I know I did some things. But I didn’t mean them and I’m a different person now. Let’s get back together. I’m ready to move on if you are. Don’t believe me? I got your logo tattooed on my forehead, so clearly I’m a stable person in a good place. I miss you, you stupid bitch. Breezy out.”