By: Dan Abramson
Guys, I'd like to start this recap by apologizing once again for my tardiness and missing last week. But I have a good excuse! I had better things to do!
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I am sorry though. Last week seemed like a super fun week in the NFL. Good times 2012. Mark Sanchez almost didn't exist anymore, which would have been fun for those people who are anyone in the world since he is the worst.
Now I know that since then he and the mighty New York Jets defeated the Jaguars, but even the Bills did that so it's meaningless. I don't know what to think about the whole Sanchez situation – and it feels like the media coverage in general has kind of tapered off – because honestly who gives a shit and also I'm tired of Tebow nonsense. If the game against the Cardinals proved anything it was that anyone is better than Mark Sanchez. Also, it was the Cardinals so let's not read too much into it. Also, both players are owed a shitload of money from the Jets so let's get used to them.
For me, one of the nice things about this past weekend was that it made me feel less sad about my tender Buffalo Bills. I mean, did you see what happened the Cardinals this week? They died on the field. They were literally murdered by the Seattle Seahawks, 58-0. That's like a high school football score when the nearby Jewish Academy plays ANYONE. The Cardinals are the Solomon Schecter of the NFL.
Don't get me wrong, I still feel sad about the Bills. They are not good! And they are not bad, either! That means that after this season they'll get their yearly draft choice in the middle of the first round, thus negating any chance they would have to reboot the franchise with a star player.
Also this is how they attempt to jump in the stands to celebrate.
If that's not a metaphor for the Bills season, I don't know what is. Sidenote: I don't know what metaphors are. I just know sadness.
In Minnesota, the Bears continued to squander away their division lead, losing to the Vikings. Adrian Peterson led the way 154 yards, 2 TDs, and the feeling that we may be we missing out on the best player of his generation because we're too busy arguing about who's the best looking failure on the Jets.
Also this happened in the Bears-Vikings game:
That's right, Jay Cutler suffered an injury that people only experience in car accidents. I know I often reference the fact that these guys are taking years off their lives to entertain us, but this is as clear of an analogy as it can get. Getting hurt in the NFL is like being in a car accident. You know those old commercials where they'd show a car going 15 miles an hour, driving into a wall, and the dummies would go flying through the windshield? That happens every Sunday. On TV. It's basically like if someone offered you millions of dollars for getting in a car accident 16 times a year. No wonder these guys look the way they do after their career is done.
Hell, this guy has only played in 13 games and he already looks like this:
Think Ben Roethlisberger always had a face full of derp? Nope.
That was from the Steelers loss to Philip Rivers and The Chargers, otherwise known as “Derp Bowl XIV.”
Random thoughts on the rest of the action from this week:
- Does anyone else get the feeling that, earlier in the season, the Falcons may have been the worst undefeated team in history?
- I felt bad for the Texans secondary trying to follow Tom Brady's eyes when defending him. Must be so easy to get lost in those baby blues.
- Does Tom Brady have blue eyes? I actually don't know, nor do I care to do the research as I fear I will go down Tom Brady google image rabbit hole.
- RGIII got hurt in the Redskins win over the Ravens. But don't worry, robots feel no pain.
- The Bengals blew a lead to the Cowboys. The Tony Romo led Cowboys. Despite the high probability that the Bengals may still make the playoffs, that's the sort of thing that is grounds for firing the coaching staff and rebuilding the franchise.
That’s it. BUT, while I’ve got you here I’m totally gonna use this opportunity for a shameless plug. The new issue of The Occasional is out. Go download it.
Finishing it is the reason there was no NFL recap last week. There are no NFL recaps in it (SORRY), but Charles Barkley is on the cover and he plays sports so that's something? Whatever. I'm the editor of it, so if you like these recaps you'll probably like it. If you hate these recaps, I respect your opinion and applaud you for taking the time to hate-read what I have to say each week.
Shameless plug over. I'm sorry that had to happen, but we're all better people for having gone through it.