By: Dan Abramson
We're almost done with this season. Thank God. I can't take this anymore. Even ESPN gave up last night and unveiled its new programming, a Monday night comedy block.
The Jets lost a sorry excuse for a football game, 14-10. Sanchez turned the ball over five times. He is what we in the business call “not good.” Here are some players I'd rather have under center than Mark Sanchez:
- Brandon Weeden
- Blaine Gabbert
- Christian Ponder
- Boomer Esiason now
- Rodney Peete now
- Holly Robinson Peete (circa 1996)
- Scott Bakula's character in Necessary Roughness
- Scott Bakula
- Ryan Fitzpatrick in his Harvard pajamas
Notice that Tebow was not on that list. I'm not insane. That said, if anyone knowns Holly Robinson Peete during the Hanging with Mr. Cooper era, please inform her that I'm starting a football team and am interested in her services.
Let's move on from the broad comedy that is Mark Sanchez (I didn't actually catch the game, but I assume that ESPN played “Yakkity Saks” for three hours).
It's easy to say the Bills were embarrassed in their 50-17 defeat to the Seahawks. But how embarrassing is it if you didn't even try to play a competitive game? It would be far more embarrassing if Chan Gailey had, say, drawn up a game plan or got his team prepared in any way. It's like saying the kid in gym class who brought in a note from his mom was embarrassed during the game of dodgeball that he sat out.
Remember last week when I went out of my way to say that Falcons were not nearly as good as their record? HAHAHHAHA that was funny joke I made. This is a comedy blog LOLOLOLOL and that was blatantly a joke.
Note to self: I think they bought it. They think it was a zinger and not a misinformed statement. Bullet. Dodged.
Anyway, back to the dominant Falcons, a team I've always held in high regard. They blew out the Giants, 34-0. Tricky move, Giants. This is usually the time of year you guys are surging and I'm very impressed with this decision to throw us off your scent. What's that? You actually tried to win this game? Good joke. You should write NFL recaps.
The Giants barely looked like the NFL champs they usually resemble this time of a year. Something even Eli Manning attested to after the game:
In Chicago, Jay Cutler stared at Brandon Marshall for three hours and somehow the Packers caught on to this game plan. Weird how they offensive strategy didn't pan out. That said, it's not like the Packers are fooling anyone. I don't understand why the Packers even carry running backs anymore. We all know what's going to happen: Aaron Rodgers will drop back and throw to one of his seventeen Pro Bowl caliber receivers and then go film a commercial and run circies around the other actors.
The Panthers beat the Chargers and whatever I don't care.
The Chiefs lost to the Raiders and jesus why did they even play this one god who gives a shit.
49ers and Patriots. A game of actual importance! Here we go, lots of analysis coming. This. Is. Happening. Ah fuck it, nothing I will add will top this picture of San Francisco treat/quarterback Colin Kaepernick as a 4th grader, in which he predicted he'd player for the 49ers when he grew up.
Very impressive, 49ers. You're employing a soothsayer and freak of nature on your team.
What else happened? The Cardinals won for the first time since September '07. I'd still take any of their quarterbacks over Mark Sanchez.
I don't even know who you are. But yes.
Blah blah other stuff happened, Adrian Peterson is the best player we'll see in all of our lifetimes, etc. 80 yard runs like they were no bigs and yet nobody's talking about it.