By: Luke Kelly-Clyne

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The Definitive Hoarders’ Guide to Christmas Music

Decorating your living room floor with Christmas Eve-edition newspaper. (Last year’s paper’s now covered in gerbil excrement; the offending gerbil’s suffocated under a misplaced pile of Nick Lachey clippings. Yes, only Nick Lachey. Because every other member in 98 degrees didn’t sing the verse that you lost your virginity to in high school. Also, every other member has his own pile.)
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Written by: Ralph Blane, Hugh Martin
Performed by: The Pretenders
Fashioning a tree out of empty toilet paper rolls, coconut lip balm, and partially cooked fusilli ‘ the three items closest to you in the corner of your den where there’s no risk of a Chicken McNugget carton avalanche. (Well, great. You stepped on the gerbil. Lachey clippings are still in good shape, but Jeff Timmons’s area is fucked!)

Winter Wonderland
Written by: Felix Bernard, Richard B. Smith, Performed by: Eurythmics

Watching Murphy Brown re-runs. Nothing. You want to be able to hear the goddamn show, don’t you?
Writing Christmas cards. All joking aside, you’ve got a meticulously organized stationer’s desk where everything’s really easy to find. Go figure, right? It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas
Written by: Meredith Willson
Performed by: Johnny Mathis
Picking out your Christmas Day outfit ‘once you find your winter wardrobe. Last you checked it was in the seashell/comic book collection/1970s contraceptive literature/Jurassic Park memorabilia/Kleenex room. So you’ve narrowed it down to 6 possible rooms. It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year
Written by: Edward Pola, George Wyle
Performed by: Andy Williams
Doing a little Christmas cleaning. Only the melodies of your thoughts because you’re asleep and dreaming…on a box of Nilla wafers you’ve had since 1994 and sure as shit don’t plan to get rid of anytime soon, so get off my back, mom!
Shopping for last minute gifts. Would your sister prefer a half-used container of motor oil or expired anti-anxiety meds? Oh, oh, a Furby covered in dried Cetaphil ‘bingo! Actually, that might be a collectible someday. Motor oil it is. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
Written by: Fred Coots, Haven Gillespie
Performed by: Bruce Springsteen
Feeling happy and eating an ice cream cone to celebrate good holiday vibes. Who cares if it’s winter? Sure it’s cold, but you deserve this! Okay, this doesn’t taste like ice cream ‘and there’s a squeezed out Vagisil tube in the Breyer’s container. Fan-tastic. Frosty The Snowman
Written by: Steve Nelson, Walter E. Rollins
Performed by: The Ronettes
Rockin’ around the Christmas “tree.” Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree
Written by: Johnny Marks
Performed by: Brenda Lee
Spilling an entire bowl of gravy on your carpet two minutes before your guests arrive and not caring because you’re a hoarder and everyone already expects you to have gravy on your carpet.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Written by: Tommie Connor (PRS)
Performed by: John Mellencamp

Merry Christmas!

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