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The Definitive Hoarders’ Guide to Christmas Music
| CHRISTMAS TASK | CHRISTMAS SONG |
| Decorating your living room floor with Christmas Eve-edition newspaper. (Last year’s paper’s now covered in gerbil excrement; the offending gerbil’s suffocated under a misplaced pile of Nick Lachey clippings. Yes, only Nick Lachey. Because every other member in 98 degrees didn’t sing the verse that you lost your virginity to in high school. Also, every other member has his own pile.) |
Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
Written by: Ralph Blane, Hugh Martin Performed by: The Pretenders |
| Fashioning a tree out of empty toilet paper rolls, coconut lip balm, and partially cooked fusilli ‘ the three items closest to you in the corner of your den where there’s no risk of a Chicken McNugget carton avalanche. (Well, great. You stepped on the gerbil. Lachey clippings are still in good shape, but Jeff Timmons’s area is fucked!) |
Winter Wonderland |
| Watching Murphy Brown re-runs. | Nothing. You want to be able to hear the goddamn show, don’t you? |
| Writing Christmas cards. All joking aside, you’ve got a meticulously organized stationer’s desk where everything’s really easy to find. Go figure, right? | It’s Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas Written by: Meredith Willson Performed by: Johnny Mathis |
| Picking out your Christmas Day outfit ‘once you find your winter wardrobe. Last you checked it was in the seashell/comic book collection/1970s contraceptive literature/Jurassic Park memorabilia/Kleenex room. So you’ve narrowed it down to 6 possible rooms. | It’s The Most Wonderful Time Of The Year Written by: Edward Pola, George Wyle Performed by: Andy Williams |
| Doing a little Christmas cleaning. | Only the melodies of your thoughts because you’re asleep and dreaming…on a box of Nilla wafers you’ve had since 1994 and sure as shit don’t plan to get rid of anytime soon, so get off my back, mom! |
| Shopping for last minute gifts. Would your sister prefer a half-used container of motor oil or expired anti-anxiety meds? Oh, oh, a Furby covered in dried Cetaphil ‘bingo! Actually, that might be a collectible someday. Motor oil it is. | Santa Claus Is Coming To Town Written by: Fred Coots, Haven Gillespie Performed by: Bruce Springsteen |
| Feeling happy and eating an ice cream cone to celebrate good holiday vibes. Who cares if it’s winter? Sure it’s cold, but you deserve this! Okay, this doesn’t taste like ice cream ‘and there’s a squeezed out Vagisil tube in the Breyer’s container. Fan-tastic. | Frosty The Snowman Written by: Steve Nelson, Walter E. Rollins Performed by: The Ronettes |
| Rockin’ around the Christmas “tree.” | Rockin’ Around The Christmas Tree Written by: Johnny Marks Performed by: Brenda Lee |
| Spilling an entire bowl of gravy on your carpet two minutes before your guests arrive and not caring because you’re a hoarder and everyone already expects you to have gravy on your carpet. |
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus
Written by: Tommie Connor (PRS) |
Merry Christmas!
