By: Dan Abramson
Flu season is upon us, and the Centers for the Disease Control has announced its reached epidemic status. Below is a collection of FAQs, people have sent in to Funny or Die.
Where in the U.S. is the flu the worst right now?
It's hard to tell because no matter where you go, some asshole will be talking incessantly about how everyone they know has the flu and “something's been going around” and “he's had a tickle in his throat for like a week.” You know, like a dick. It's possible that this guy's sick, but there's a good chance he just wants to get out of work, so hard data's fuzzy. However, the CDC has mapped flu-like symptoms, which again may be inaccurate due to fucking liars.
How do I even know if I have the flu?
This is somehow a very common question. Often people assume they have the flu when they do not because they are dumb and can't tell the difference between a cold and the flu. Hell, sometimes people will eat some bad Peruvian food and tell you they had the flu. That would be incorrect. And they would be idiots. It's best you don't associate with them anymore.
Should I go to the doctor to see if I have the flu?
If you feel like wasting two people's time, then yes.
Should I get the flu shot?
I'm not gonna tell you how to live your life. Personally I didn't get a flu shot because fuck it, bring it on, I need to freshen things up anyway. But do what you want. The shot takes two weeks to kick in, so play it safe until then. Best to avoid any of the following: public transportation, french kissing, children, immature adults, sharing needles, food, nourishment, conversations about politics with your relatives, becoming blood brothers with your best bro, and reruns of the last couple seasons Friends. Pretty much anything that'll put your immune system at risk.
Can you get the flu from the flu shot itself?
Nope. Impossible. But you might get soreness, irritation, a fever, or even the flu after the shot.
You listed “the flu” as one of the side effects.
Yes, how is that possible?
Listen, I'm only telling you this because I like you. But the flu shot is technically a scheme perpetrated by Walgreen's to get you sick and buy their precious pharmaceuticals.
Yeah, and do you know who owns Walgreen's?
Yes, how'd do you know that? Who are you working for?
Why is there a “season” for the flu?
Well, we actually need to back it up first. The concept of “seasons” was invented by snobby folks in cold weather climates who needed to justify why don't live in warmer, more pleasant parts of the country. This way, they can say things like “I just can't imagine living in a city that didn't have seasons.” The flu just fits in nicely with that philosophy.