Super Bowl Prop Bets For People Who Don’t Know Football

Sports only exist as a thing upon which to bet money, but it’s too frustrating and boring to just bet on the outcome of the Super Bowl or if your team will cover the point spread, especially if you aren’t familiar with the finer points of the game. Enter side, or proposition, or “prop bets,” to gamble on individual little events throughout the course of the game.

‘ A Harbaugh pun will be awkwardly shoed in by the commentators: Sup-Har-Baugh, e.g. 3/1

‘ A local commercial, having not secured the right to use the phrase “Super Bowl,” will awkwardly and noticeably refer to “The Big Game.” 5/4

‘ Somebody will say “I just watch for the commercials,” like, six times, and it is super annoying. 7/6

‘ The game will take twice as long as a regular season game for no reason. 3/2

‘ Alicia Keys will perform the National Anthem and an older, possibly racist member of your party will ask if that was “the bee-yawns-say.” EVEN

‘ Ray Lewis will murder somebody during the game. 8/1

‘ Ray Lewis will murder somebody after the game. 4/1

‘ Ray Lewis will weep at the game’s conclusion. EVEN

‘ Ray Lewis, win or lose, now retired, will hang around the Superdome for a while like that weird guy who graduated but still hangs around his old high school. EVEN

‘ A player’s attractive girlfriend will be shown in the stands, and despite not being on the broadcasting team, Brent Musburger will make creepy, leering comments about her. 5/1

‘ A GoDaddy commercial will objectify a woman, and you will feel tremendous, secondary guilt about society’s continued marginalized and objectification of women, and you will call your mom and college girlfriend and apologize. 9/5

‘ An ad for a CBS show will inform you of a CBS show you’ve never heard because you aren’t 100 years old. EVEN

‘ Manti Te’o will think he played in the Super Bowl, and also think he was named MVP. 4/1

‘ A Doritos commercial will leave you questioning the decisions in your life that have led you to this moment, and you will be filled with ennui, regret, and the desire to squelch those feelings with Doritos and a domestic macrobrew. 3/1

‘ Beyonce will bring the nameless fallen who were kicked out of Destiny’s Child on stage. 100,000/1

‘ Beyonce will lip sync and nobody will give a shit. EVEN

‘ The theme of the halftime show will be “A Salute to Epidemic Levels of Horrific Head Injuries Leading to Player Suicides.” 20/1

‘ Brett Farve will sext you a picture of his balls. 5/1

‘ Brett Farve will ring the doorbell and want to play a round of touch football at halftime, in jeans. 30/1

‘ The Pro Bowl will be mentioned. 500,000/1

‘ The Harbaugh twins will combine their otherworldly twin magic and bring upon the stadium a plague of man-eating locusts. 50/1

‘ The Harbaughs will make out. 10/1

‘ You will not be able to stop yourself from laughing if the on-air talent talks about “penetrating the red zone.” 4/1

‘ You realize you’ve been watching the Puppy Bowl the entire time. EVEN