By: Dan Abramson
Super Bowl FAQs: Everything You Need to Know
Who's playing in this year's Super Bowl?
That's your first question? I know it's a good starter, but really you should not be relying on Funny or Die for this information. Some suggestions: ESPN.com, literally anywhere else. But if you must know, it's the Baltimore Ravens and the San Francisco 49ers.
Wait, the Patriots aren't playing in the game?
Correct. You'll have to get your glimpse of Tom Brady by periodically taking out the picture of him you keep in your wallet. Every day is the Super Bowl when you keep that pretty face close by.
I know nothing about those teams. What are Baltimore and San Francisco known for?
The Wire and Riceroni, respectively.
I meant the teams. What should I know about them?
Ah yes. The 49ers team were built around their stout defense, until coach Harbaugh inserted talented backup QB Colin Kaepernick into the lineup, making them a force on both sides of the ball. The Ravens also relied on their tenacious defense, until coach Harbaugh fired their offensive coordinator late in the season, shaking things up.
Wait, are both coaches are named Harbaugh or do they have one coach for both teams?
Ugh, do I have to explain everything to you?
Yes, that's how this works.
Ye tha how thi worrrs.
It's hard to tell on paper, but did you just repeat what I said, but in a mocking, mentally-challenged voice?
You're the mentally challenged.
Fine. What about Ray Lewis? Seems like there's a lot of controversy surrounding that guy.
Not sure what you're getting at, he's a great human being who deserves every accolade he's received. Good things happen to good people.
I couldn't tell if you were being sarcastic so I read his Wiki. Pretty messed up.
Hey, just because his limo was covered in blood that night and the suit he was wearing disappeared, doesn't mean he did anything wrong. Haven't we all lost a blood-soaked sock in the dryer?
I don't think this is the same? He's so revered in everything he does. I know there's inconclusive evidence, but it seems odd that we've moved past all that. People go nuts for that dance of his.
You mean his murder dance? Sorry, his accomplice to murder dance. It's actually a very good dance! Say what you want about Ray Lewis (snazzy dress, accomplice to murder, etc), there's no doubt the guy's got moves.
What about the Super Bowl commercials? Anything we should be on the lookout for this year?
Yes. That friend of yours who says things like “I only watch for the commercials.” He is not your friend. Nor should he be anybody's friend. In fact, he should never talk again.
Does GoDaddy have one this year?
As long as there are women who would like to be paid to objectify themselves, then yes.
Do I have to make a snarky joke to my friends when it comes on, but then secretly love every second of it?
That's the deal we all signed on for.
Since I don't know much about football, is there anything I can say at the Super Bowl party to make it look like I know what I'm talking about?
Yes. Say things like “More and more evidence is showing the effect that professional football is having on the brains and mental states of these players. Let us not forget that these are human beings who are sacrificing their lives to entertain us.” Say that. Trust me, it will go over like gangbusters.
Thanks. Anything else? Should I partake in what the media deems important. Like how they're calling it the “Harbowl?”
I want no part of that. This correspondence is over.