By: Dan Abramson
It's with great sadness that I write the last NFL Recap of the season and oh fuck it, who am I kidding, I'm thrilled about it. Bye this season. Bye this season forever!!! See you at the great recap in the sky!
Let's do this, shall we? Talking about the Super Bowl? There was a great deal of build up to the game. What a whirlwind of a week! Remember that time when Ray Lewis did something with deer antlers that's irrelevant because we all know what Ray Lewis has really done and if he's overcompensating with all this God talk, it's likely that other thing, not the deer antlers? And remember that time 49ers DB Chris Culliver was all “gays, not for me.” And the Harbaughs! Good times 2013. Texas forever.
Anyway, the game. Let's get this over with and get to the good shit (Beyonce, Blackouts, etc). The Ravens beat the 49ers. Here's game MVP Joe Flacco afterward.
In truth it was a great game, as the 49ers staged an impressive comeback, only to fall a few yards short. Colin Kaepernick has established himself as a star in this league, while Alex Smith was heard saying interesting things like “I could have thrown that” and “Please, just tell me what the grass feels like out there” and “You could at least say hello when you see me standing there by the Gatorade.”
The 49ers were hurt by some dumb mistakes – like the TD in which Jacoby Jones was presumed down by the defenders but marched right in for the TD. To be fair, I have to assume Chris Culliver was just afraid to get handsy with another man.
Meanwhile, with the win, Baltimore players cemented their reputations. Earlier in the year, Joe Flacco caught a lot of flack-o (DID U JUST SEE WHAT I DID THERE??? BECAUSE HIS NAME IS FLACCO?? IT'S A VERY FUNNY JOKE DUE TO THE PLAY ON WORDS. IT'LL HIT YOU LATER DON'T WORRY) for deeming himself elite. This victory is as good of an argument for that as there can be. BUT, it doesn't change that he may be the most boring star we've seen in some time:
Here's a key passage:
[Flacco's father] is wearing khaki pants, a long sleeve blue polo, black, red and white Jordan sneakers, and a grey Super Bowl XLVII hat.
Does this guy know how to party, or what?
And of course, with the victory, Ray Lewis goes out a champion. You always like to see class acts go out on top, so here's wishing him well on wherever life takes him. I have nothing but warm feelings for such a great man. In case you missed the wise words he left us with during the trophy acceptance, here you go:
I haven't heard anything official, but I also assume there were major riots in Baltimore last night. I'm not sure if you know this, but Baltimore has the reputation of being a violent city in which nobody should voluntarily set foot in. Just look at this thug:
I KNOW! Anyway, I can only assume that city celebrated by taking to the streets. Yes, the very ones TV has told us never to set foot in. Here's a shot of Baltimore from last night:
Anyway! Beyonce. Oh boy! I actually don't have much to say, other than to ask why have we ever had anyone other than her perform at anything ever? Remember that lip-synching fiasco from what I think was like three years ago? Me neither! I don't even remember what she sang during the show; I feel like she just went up there with all her fierceness and just said her name a bunch.
The point is, it was a great performance. Though Slash looked a little different this year.
Also, Destiny's Child reunited in dramatic fashion, emerging from beneath the stage midway through the performance. To be fair, I'm pretty sure the other one (Michelle?) had been under that stage for the last 10 years, anyway.
There was also a blackout! Good times all around. During this wonderful time we were treated to classic moments like players milling around, Steve Tasker's audition for a bigger role next year, general confusion, literally ten million tweets, a shift in momentum, Ed Reed stretching, Ed Reed talking to other players while stretching, Ed Reed in between stretching. It was classic stuff we'll all never forget.
Thousands of people were stuck inside the Superdome, helpless. It was kind of like Katrina but without Spike Lee there getting inspired.
Shall we move onto the commercials? Yes. Let's.
There was a lot of garbage this year. So much garbage! It was all pretty terrible. And it's not like that's a new thing. Not since the days of Crystal Pepsi have we really been treated with quality commercials. Yet, there's always some friend at the party saying “he only watches for the commercials.” That person is not your friend and should never speak to anyone ever again.
This year's GoDaddy commercial came on really early in the game. What the fuck GoDaddy? You set a precedent in the past, popping up late in the game when I've earned the goodwill at the party to say fun things like “this is MY Super Bowl” and then slowly remove my pants. Yet here you were, in what, the second quarter? I need to butter these people up if I'm going to achieve orgasm in front of them. And THEN, you had the gall to just give me some character actor making out with a model. I call bullshit, GoDaddy. I didn't spend a whole year waiting to see some tits so you can pull a fast one on me. I'll see you in hell, GoDaddy.
Sorry. I'll calm down. What other commercials can we talk about? Subway ran what seemed like thirty minutes worth of the worst bullshit I've seen in years. Their ads have just gotten uncomfortable, as Jared looks like a guy who saw you in an uncompromising situation and has been blackmailing you for 15 years. Just look at this lunatic.
It's a good thing they hitched their wagon to that guy. Totally normal guy to be the face of your corporation for a decade and a half.
And there was this one, with Deon Sanders, which actually wasn't terrible?
Though when he said his name was “Sand…castle,” we all thought he was about to say “Sandusky,” right? That would have been a major goof! What is that guy up to anyway? Haven't heard from him in quite some time.
INT. PRISON CELL – CONTINUOUS
Jerry Sandusky gets skullfucked by a gleeful cell mate.
Aaaaand let's end on that mental image! See you next year maybe probably not!