By: Charlie Nadler
1. Your office happy hour is at a rave.
2. Your day-drinking tends to lead to night-weeping.
3. After your second drink, you’re an “I need to show the bartender where my neighbor’s Doberman bit off part of my penis when I was in fourth grade” kinda guy.
4. You’ll do literally anything to be accepted by Kevin the intern ‘especially now that he has the really good bath salts hookup.
5. In your experience, your office “happy hour” could more accurately be described as your “uncontrollable-meat-sweats-in-the-ladies-room hour.” And yet, you continue to order the BBQ pork shoulder plate.
6. Your desire to climb up the corporate ladder invariably leads to you resting your head on your boss’s lap and singing the entirety of “Closer” by Nine Inch Nails.
7. You work in a toll booth.
8. Your office happy hour is every morning at 9:30 am, under your desk; you provide the booze, and your Soviet-era nesting dolls Yuliya and Lenochka provide the eye candy.
9. At the last three happy hours, your boss has described a “really vivid dream” he keeps having about you wearing a “super hot Catholic school girl’s uniform.”
10. At the last four happy hours, you’ve worn your super hot Catholic school girl’s uniform.
11. As you’ve aged, you’ve come to see your office happy hour for what it really is: a frivolous gathering of vacant corporate drones, everyone listless and blathering, like so many dying fish at the bottom of the fisherman’s barrel, each offering one last futile twitch before the knife comes down ‘
12. The time conflict with Two and a Half Men reruns has become a problem.
13. You’re tired of being the only one at the table who doesn’t have any new jokes about “Orientals.”
14. Your office happy hour is in the supply closet, and instead of having drinks and appetizers, you quietly read through old archives of client billing statements.
15. The marketing department doesn’t seem to appreciate your Jim Carrey The Mask routine like they used to.
16. You’ve started referring to your office happy hour as “therapy.”
17. You live in Kuwait, where the consumption of one glass of alcohol is punishable by 80 lashes, in case you needed reminding.
18. Your coworkers make you pick up the tab every time you forget to come to happy hour dressed as your favorite “Pretty Little Liars” character.
19. You’ve already had sex with everyone you work with, so like, what’s the point?
20. You were laid off six months ago.