Valentine’s Day Gifts to Avoid This Year

1. A pocketful of morning-after pills

2. The robe your third wife was wearing the day she “drowned” in the bath tub

3. A voice memo of you humming the bass line from the Seinfeld theme song

4. Enormous stuffed bear wearing an “It ain’t gonna suck itself” t-shirt, delivered to his classroom

5. Another velour bag filled with your knuckle hair, just like last year

6. Your playbook of go-to moves for “crushing mad bush when the wife is out of town”

7. Framed George W. Bush nude self portrait

8. Acceptance of all of those Farmville gift requests, finally

9. A video of you reenacting the Syrian uprising, starring a litter of (now deceased) corgi puppies

10. Application paperwork for a new Blockbuster membership card

11. Intimate Valentine’s Day away message on Gchat

12. The half-eaten raccoon leg you found sticking out of the sewer this morning

13. Your “Gangnam Style” themed video response to Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation

14. Lightly used 2009 Yellow Pages

15. A list of reasons why “only Jews” celebrate Valentine’s Day

16. Partial publishing rights to your Andrew Zimmern-inspired slam poetry collection

17. Back up pair of tire chains, just in case

18. A free subscription to your “Best of M.I.L.F. Hunter Screenshots” blog

19. One undocumented Thai lady boy complete with adoption papers and a box of rubbers

20. Your GarageBand remix of “Somebody That I Used to Know”

21. Private puppeteering classes with Kevin Clash for the kids

22. Matching his and hers “I’m not gay but my son seems to be” fleece underwear

23. Atari stock

24. A scanned image of your cousin Anthony studying the Torah the day before his Bar Mitzvah back in ’96

25. First glimpse at your brand new “Entourage” spec script

26. Your promise to start updating your Google+ page more often

27. One weird secret to losing belly fat

28. Team Breezy hoodie

29. Loose agreement to study harder for the GED next time

30. Mostly unused bottle of Mylanta

31. Mogwai that may have had just a liiiiiittle snack after midnight last night

32. Instead of a gift, an internet list of Valentine’s Day gifts to avoid this year. Happy V-Day, honey!