By: Charlie Nadler
Valentine’s Day Gifts to Avoid This Year
1. A pocketful of morning-after pills
2. The robe your third wife was wearing the day she “drowned” in the bath tub
3. A voice memo of you humming the bass line from the Seinfeld theme song
4. Enormous stuffed bear wearing an “It ain’t gonna suck itself” t-shirt, delivered to his classroom
5. Another velour bag filled with your knuckle hair, just like last year
6. Your playbook of go-to moves for “crushing mad bush when the wife is out of town”
7. Framed George W. Bush nude self portrait
8. Acceptance of all of those Farmville gift requests, finally
9. A video of you reenacting the Syrian uprising, starring a litter of (now deceased) corgi puppies
10. Application paperwork for a new Blockbuster membership card
11. Intimate Valentine’s Day away message on Gchat
12. The half-eaten raccoon leg you found sticking out of the sewer this morning
13. Your “Gangnam Style” themed video response to Pope Benedict XVI’s resignation
14. Lightly used 2009 Yellow Pages
15. A list of reasons why “only Jews” celebrate Valentine’s Day
16. Partial publishing rights to your Andrew Zimmern-inspired slam poetry collection
17. Back up pair of tire chains, just in case
18. A free subscription to your “Best of M.I.L.F. Hunter Screenshots” blog
19. One undocumented Thai lady boy complete with adoption papers and a box of rubbers
20. Your GarageBand remix of “Somebody That I Used to Know”
21. Private puppeteering classes with Kevin Clash for the kids
22. Matching his and hers “I’m not gay but my son seems to be” fleece underwear
23. Atari stock
24. A scanned image of your cousin Anthony studying the Torah the day before his Bar Mitzvah back in ’96
25. First glimpse at your brand new “Entourage” spec script
26. Your promise to start updating your Google+ page more often
27. One weird secret to losing belly fat
28. Team Breezy hoodie
29. Loose agreement to study harder for the GED next time
30. Mostly unused bottle of Mylanta
31. Mogwai that may have had just a liiiiiittle snack after midnight last night
32. Instead of a gift, an internet list of Valentine’s Day gifts to avoid this year. Happy V-Day, honey!