By: Steve Heisler

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30 Oscar Awards That Won’t Be Televised


In an earlier, much smaller ceremony, The Academy handed out 30 additional awards. You won’t see these on television or read about them on the Oscar website. But they deserve to be honored just the same; if you see these WINNERS, give them an “Oscar” of your own (HJ).

Most Animals Harmed While Filming
WINNER: “Air Bud: Murderous Rampage”

Best Merkin
WINNER: Ben Affleck, “Argo”

Largest Chin Putty Budget
WINNER: “Looper”

Best Documentary Feature
WINNER: “Can I Borrow Your Phone Charger?”

Best Use Of Webcam
WINNER: “Untiled Michael Moore Project”

Longest Credits Sequence
WINNER: “Translated Into Dozens Of Languages And Then Shot In Multiple Locations”

Best Redacted Screenplay
WINNER: “[redacted]”

Best Performance By A Pie In A Leading Role
WINNER: “Life Of Pi”

Best Performance By A Pie In A Supporting Role
WINNER: “American Reunion”

Best Product Placement
WINNER: “Mountain Dew KickStart Presents: Beasts Of The Southern Wild”

Best Video Game Film Adaptation
WINNER: “Battleship: The Movie: The Game: The Movie”

Most Gratuitous Uses Of The N-Word
WINNER: “Amour”

Best Text Message Received During A Film
WINNER: “u up?”, “The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey” midnight screening

Best Oscar Ballot
WINNER: Jack Nicholson, goof ballot

Best Use Of Technology
WINNER: “Page Me Or My Husband If The Kids Act Up, Even If It’s In The Middle Of Our Laser Tag Game, And I’ll Call You Back From My Car Phone. Tubular?”

Best Sex
WINNER: “Women”

Best Animated Motivational Speech

Sickest Ollie
WINNER: “Wear A Helmet: Safety In Skateboarding”

Shakiest Karaoke Performances
WINNER: “Les Mis ‘rables”

Best Grope
WINNER: Man, “Brick By Brick: The Stop-Motion Lego Experience”

Longest Acceptance Speech
WINNER: “Start The Timer”

Most Surprising Courtroom Verdict
WINNER: Guilty, “Fresh Squeezed: The OJ Simpson Story”

What’s In The Box?
WINNER: “What’s In The Box?”

Hunk Of The Year
WINNER: Gabriel Iglesias, “Magic Mike”

Oldest Old
WINNER: Dolores Westbrook, “Homophobia”

Best Actor-Turned-Musician

Fifetime Achievement Award
WINNER: Earl “The Fiefdom Of Fife” Rowlandstein

If You Had Six Psychopaths, And You Added One Psychopath, How Many Psychopaths Would You Have?
WINNER: “Seven Psychopaths”

You Hang Up First
WINNER: “No, YOU Hang Up First”

Best Film Of 2014, Based On Anticipation Alone
WINNER: “Arrested Development”

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