By: Steve Heisler
Elevator “Door Close” Buttons
Elevators get inspected every 28 years or whatever, so they work NO PROBLEM. Though apparently not fast enough for people who are in a hurry and have to take a wicked caffeine-induced grumpy, so they hit the “door close” button over and over again until the elevator closes. The thing is, because they’re POUNDING that thing, the door WILL close after ONE of the pushes; “If it wasn’t for me, we’d all still be stuck on that thing!” they tell themselves before posting up for a high five. Yes, you did it. 14 pushes and the door would have just remained open and we’d all be on the stairs cursing your previously unimpeachable name. Good thing you went in for that 15th push.
“Push For Walk Signal” Buttons
If you want to cross the street and are afraid of jay walking, you have to realize two things: 1) HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING FROM FROGGER?; 2) velocity death-boxes will be in your way. That’s why the science-wizards at Traffico ‘ invented the “walk signal” to allow safe passage for pedestrians. It’s a marvel, really. Here’s how it works: You hit a button that sends a signal to the Traffico ‘ Allowancemeter ‘, beginning a chain reaction that negates the electronic Walkpulse ‘ triggered by your initial action. This continues at regular intervals, or Rintervals ‘, determined by the intersection’s particular car frequency, or Crequency ‘. Thus in order to beat the system, you must continue to push, or Push ‘, the “push for walk signal” button at a faster pace than the Traffico ‘ Allowancemeter ‘ can counter.
Broken Buzzer Outside Your Friend’s Apartment
“Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he didn’t hear me, I’ll try again. Huh, maybe he di ‘I should probably text him.”
Fast-Forward On Your DVR Even Though It’s Already Fast-Forwarding As Fast As It Can
Look, I’m aware that SOME DVRs reset to the slowest fast-forward setting if you hit the fast-forward button when the DVR is fast-forwarding at its fastest speed. If so, this is yet another arena of your life in which the impossible and compulsive pursuit of perfection can make merely existing feel like a chore. For everyone else: You look at your TV, see a series of out-of-context stills, and think, “Let’s make it LESS possible for me to actually start the thing right after the commercial break, necessitating some fast rewinding as well which just adds more time to the whole process.” You are a champion and a dreamer.
Hitting “Refresh” On Your Gmail Over And Over
I just sent you the file. Did you not get it yet?
Locking Your Car With The “Lock” Button On Your Fob
Sometimes, you park the car, go into the restaurant, get seated, then think, “Wait, did I lock the car?” So you have to leave the restaurant to hit the lock button again, leaving the door wide open for your date, in your brief absence, to make seductive with the waiter or waitress and do some under-the-table genital tingling. I say, why risk it? Love is a fleeting thing as undefinable as it is hard to come by. Compress the whole process and repeat it at least a dozen times mere moments after locking the car in the first place. Your fragile emotional state will thank you.
Turning The Volume All The Way Up Even Though It’s Already All The Way Up
WHAT A GREAT IDEA WHY HAS NOBODY THOUGHT OF THIS BEFORE.
Hitting “Stop/Clear” On A Microwave
Microwave radiation poisoning is no joke. Did you know that last year, more than 165 people died? I’m not sure from what, but they are NO LONGER ALIVE. Protect yourself by following these three easy steps:
- Ensure your microwave is turned COMPLETELY OFF before opening by hitting the “stop/clear” button repeatedly for 20 minutes.
- Wear lead face mask at all times to protect those peepers.
- Write a book titled, “A Life Lived Fully.”
The “Attack” Button In A Video Game
The term “buttonmashing” was created when, in 1902, when notable motion-victrola enthusiast Robert Philip Buttonmashington III utilized a technique of round object-smashing to best his opponent in a stirring spat of Mine Shaft Disaster. His namesake persists to this day, with true gamers hitting the “attack” button at a rate that far surpasses modern gaming computers’ ability to actually render and process such an “attack.” And that’s no small feat: These days, the entire process can take just under a minute!
Pumping Up Your Reebok Pumps
This one is real. What, do you or do you NOT like playing basketball better than Michael Jordan?