By: The Vatican

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A Response from the Vatican To the Gay Prostitution Allegations

It has been alleged by Italian media outlets that some of our Vatican officials were engaged in illicit sexual behavior with homosexual prostitutes, and that those prostitutes are now blackmailing alleged “gay priests.”
Let us be very clear. There is no actual proof to backup these horrendous claims. Furthermore, as we all know, Catholic priests are bound to celibacy, which allows ministers to dedicate themselves to the service of God.

That being said, we’re gonna own up to this one. The allegations are totally true and miraculously, this sexual scandal involves zero minors! Not sure how we did it, but we did it! We’ll gladly take responsibility for this one. Let’s be honest, if the choice is between hundreds of families suing the church for decades of pedophilia or gay prostitutes blackmailing the church, we’ll take option two any day of the week.

Except for Sunday.

If we didn’t think it would completely ruin the image of the Catholic church, we’d put a tarp over St. Peter’s Square and FILL IT TO THE BRIM with gay prostitutes. We’d make it real nice, with like comfy couches, throw pillows, mini fridges filled with Orangina, and of course, fuck closets. Those hot little twink prostitutes could come and go as they please, and so could our senior Vatican officials (wink!). Everyone wins! Especially children, who are ultimately spared an uncomfortable, scarring sexually mature situation between them and someone they trust. Our priests wouldn’t have time to molest children, ’cause they would be too busy banging in those fuck closets. And we could have a system, where American priests could come over two or three times a year, and get out all that pent up sexual energy in the St. Peter’s Peterdome (that’s what our insider nickname for it would be), then we’d send them back to the States to suppress their normal sexual human desires all over again. Man, that sex tent would solve a lot of problems. It would sure make my job easier, too.

Also, isn’t everyone pretty much ok with clergy engaging in raunchy sexual activities since “Game of Thrones?”. Isn’t Petyr Baelish a priest? The guy who runs the whore house? We can only watch clips on-line so it’s hard to get the full understanding of the show. If anyone can send us DVD’s, we’d appreciate it.

Any whoodles, as much as I bring it up at, what seems like every meeting, I know my sex tent idea will never happen. And it’s not like we’re gonna let priests ignore the whole celibacy thing. We can’t change important tenants of our belief system. Something to do with tradition and undermining God’s will.

So, in the meantime, our priests and bishops and cardinals and archbishops and patriarchs and vicars will continue to do the best they can, until their sexual desires become so overwhelming, that they do something irrational. We just hope they opt for the gay prostitute route.

Peace be with you.

PS – We're looking for a new pope and it's HARD to find someone for this job. If you know any Catholics in the hierarchy who are scandal free and cool and breezy, please send their info to

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