By: Charlie Nadler
1. Technically speaking, a dog is actually just a bird without feathers or wings or a beak but instead has four legs and fur and a dog head and a dog brain and a dog body.
2. When a dog cocks his head to the left, it means he wants to go outside; when he cocks his head to the right, it means he can see the outline of your junk through those pants.
3. Nicholas Cage’s “hair” in The Sorcerer’s Apprentice is made primarily of wire-haired Jack Russell fur and xanthan gum.
4. As of the writing of this article, “Ryker” is the most popular male dog name and “Kitana” is the most popular female dog name.
5. The pads on the bottom of dogs’ paws smell like warm Fritos because stop asking why and just enjoy it.
6. NASA is widely credited with discovering that dogs look pretty legit in infrared light.
7. If you manually walk a dog backwards and it automatically springs forward like a pullback car when you release it, that’s probably not a dog you’re walking around with.
8. Contrary to popular belief, there is no quantifiable proof to support the claim that Bingo is actually “every family’s best friend.”
9. If you can look at old pictures of your childhood dog while listening to Sinead O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” all the way through without crying, psychologists concur that you are a fucking sociopath.
10. Pieces of dog fur are like snowflakes; each one is totally unique and it’s not weird to catch them on your tongue despite what your friends might say.
11. Aristotle once said, “What if, like, dogs are actually our masters and not the other way around? I mean think about it, man: we feed them, we bathe them, we vacuum up their fur and pick up their poop. Who’s the real master, here? You guys smell what I’m steppin’ in?”
12. The name “dog” came from early dog advocate Steve Dogs.
13. Bulimic dogs eat grass after meals to make themselves throw up.
14. Studies show that petting a dog once a day makes you 72 percent less likely to murder a dog.
15. All dogs go to heaven ‘except for the dogs that lick themselves.
16. Every time you make your dog wear a sweater, she becomes slightly more likely to attack your genitals while you sleep.
17. Dogs don’t have arms ‘ unless you’re standing them up on two feet ‘then they sort of do.
18. The average American dog can’t point out China on a map.
19. Your dog is methodically keeping track of how often you masturbate.
20. Someone was paid money to make this movie poster for Old Dogs.