By: Charlie Nadler
Asking for a personal day can be a good way to get out of work ‘but if your boss isn’t convinced that you really need one, it could backfire. Follow the steps below to make sure there’s no question your personal day is warranted.
Step 1: Kick open the door, crab-walk into the office and immediately begin yelling at everybody to ‘SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!”
Step 2: Hurl your sunglasses at the water cooler and command it to ‘Search the joint for DNA.”
Step 3: Remain on the floor in crab-walk position while whistling ‘Here Comes the Bride” for around 10 minutes or so.
Step 4: Jump to your feet and demand to know who you ‘have to fist to get some Dunkaroos around here?” Laugh hysterically at your own joke, then casually slip the water cooler a twenty and politely ask for one box of Dunkaroos.
Step 5: When the water cooler fails to fulfill your request, slowly walk to the nearest window, lean your face against the glass and repeat the words ‘I’m not afraid anymore, I’m not afraid anymore,” at full volume.
Step 6: If anyone attempts to approach or interact with you, simply respond by screaming ‘Talk to the hands, Hitler!” while holding up two Ziploc bags stuffed with dead chameleons.
Step 7: Angrily make your way from coworker to coworker, slamming your fists onto their desks, asking ‘Obama or McCain?” and shouting ‘BULLSHIT!” at whatever response they give.
Step 8: Find a central, highly visible position in the office, sit down, and loudly begin crying as you open several cans of chunk tuna and make a heaping tuna pile with the contents. Every two minutes or so, giggle uncontrollably and say ‘Daddy like-y” in your best Sean Connery accent.
Step 9: Carry the pile of tuna over to the water cooler and say, ‘You can look, but you can’t touch. Just kidding!” Enthusiastically begin covering the water cooler with tuna.
Step 10: Pretend that you're getting a call and hold the phone to your ear. Make gasping noises and sporadically shout things like ‘NOOOO!!!” and ‘Oh Jesus this can’t be happening!!”
Step 11: Drop the phone to the floor and commence projectile vomiting. 30 or 40 seconds of this ought to do the trick.
Step 12: Find your boss, crumple to your knees and cling to his or her ankles.
Step 13: Explain to your boss that you’re going through a ‘difficult time” and ask if it wouldn’t be too much trouble for you to take a personal day today.
Step 14: When your boss says yes, pick yourself up, wipe the vomit from your chin, and slowly walk out of the office while giving everyone the double thumbs up.
Step 15: Enjoy your day off!