The 100% Spoiler-Free Guide To Summer Movies

Greetings, films fans! Silver Screen Gene here. With summer movie season heating up, many are turning to the web for information on 2013’s biggest blockbusters. The only problem with “information” is that it’s chock full of annoying, movie-ruining SPOILERS. So, for those of us who actually care about being surprised, we’ve created this guaranteed-100%-spoiler-free guide to the season’s hottest films.

Without giving away too many details, we can confirm that Robert Downey Jr.’s character Tony Stark will be wearing a suit made of some kind of durable metal ‘ What type of metal will it be? Sorry, my spoiler-loving sweeties, but that’s exactly the kind of spoiler we won’t be divulging on this list.

You may have heard that this Zack Snyder/Christopher Nolan reboot will deal with Clark Kent’s origin story, but who exactly is Clark Kent and what does he have to do with Superman? Well, that, my naughty little spoiler hoarders, is what we call a SUPER spoiler – and spoliers are our Kryptonite. What is Kryptonite, you ask? You’ll have to wait until the movie comes out to find out 😉

The highly anticipated sequel to JJ Abrams’ 2009 reboot hits theaters May 17th – and we know what you little spoiler-hounds are thinking; “will it take place in space?”. Well, you can mount that question on the back of a sports car because that, my friends, is a spoiler.

Speaking of cars (I’m probably already saying too much), professional actors Vin Diesel and “Chris” Ludacris “Bridges” are back for the highly-anticipated sixth installment of the successful Fast & Furious franchise. The big question on everyone’s mind this time around is: will the cars once again be going fast? Nice try, my little spoiler junkies, but I’m afraid you’ll have to get your spoiler fix from a different pusher on this one. Next you’ll want to know whether the stunts are going to be high or low-octane! You can mount that question on the back of a sports car because…oh, I already did that one. Probably should have saved it for the car movie. Oh well. NO SPOILERS!

Bradley Cooper, Ed Helms and Zach Galifinakis have all returned for this third and final installment of the wildly successful Hangover series. One thing that producers have remained tight-lipped about this time around is whether or not the third installment will be a comedy. As of now, my chubby spoiler cherubs, it’s anyone’s guess – because in the immortal words of a certain actress whose name rhymes with “Skrittany Burphy”, from a certain film that rhymes with “Don’t Spay A Bird” …”I’ll never tell” ;P