By: John Zachary Townsend
Step 1: Remove all items, clothing and books from dressers, night stands, bookcases, drawers, armoires and entertainment units.
Step 2: Wash all clothing in hot water. After drying at high heat place all belongings into new plastic bags. Make sure you completely seal the bag.
Step 3: Burn all of your belongings.
Step 4: Burn everything. Do not be afraid to burn your finger prints – these will only come back to haunt you. The less proof of your previous existence, the better.
Step 5: Burn your home to the ground. Some of your neighbors will die in the process – do not feel guilty; just remember that you are saving them from going through this very stressful ordeal themselves. They are in a better place. Not Heaven-there is no God. Just a place that doesn’t have bed bugs.
Step 6: Leave town immediately. Do not tell anyone why you are leaving, or even that you are leaving. This can only come back to haunt you. The less proof of your previous existence the better. Escape town by hopping on a train like an old timey hobo, or by taking a river raft. Do not take a plane or a car. You have to pay for them with money, and this will leave a paper trail that can only come back to haunt you. You want to slide into your new life mysteriously.
Step 7: Arrive in new town/Begin new life. For best results, bash yourself lightly in the head with a rock to create amnesia. This will make it easier to sell your story that you “don’t know where you came from” and “don’t think you’ve ever had a bed bug problem”. For best results, move to a town as far away from your previous town as possible, preferably one that speaks a different language.
Step 8: Make new friends in new town. Go to cool local hang outs. Meet nice local guy/girl. Ask him/her if they would want to go out some time.
Step 9: Take nice local guy/girl out on first date. Make sure to listen and be attentive. Have interesting stories, but don’t try to steal focus. If you sense a connection, suggest that you should do this again sometime.
Step 10: Make a fake resume/college degree (remember: leave no trace to your past life!) Find a new job that suits your interests, with plenty of room for upward mobility.
Step 11: After appropriate amount of dates, marry nice local guy/girl. Have children when you are sure you can both financially provide for children.
Step 12: Raise your children strictly, but with unconditional love. Pressure them to follow their dreams. Don’t let them drink soda.
Step 13: Hire an SAT Tutor. Getting into college has become very competitive these days, and your kids will need every advantage they can get.
Step 14: Should you catch your children smoking pot, be cool about it. It’s not the end of the world. And be honest. Tell them you smoked a little reefer back in your day, and you’re not mad. You’re just worried. They will appreciate the honesty.
Step 15: Should someone from your past life pass through town, and “swears they’ve met you before”, dispose of them quickly and quietly.
Step 16: Send your kids to college. Encourage them to get a work study job. Call them every once and a while to check in, but give them space to find themselves.
Step 17: Attend children’s wedding. Cry at the appropriate moments, and just tear it up on the dance floor.
Step 18: After thirty or so years, retire from job. Make sure you have plenty of hobbies and activities to keep you busy. Too much free time can drive you crazy.
Step 19: Should the bed bugs return, end your life under “Mysterious Circumstances”. You’re really old at this point. Starting over would just be a hassle. Just deal with it. They’re only bugs.