By: Ron Funches
From Issue #007 of The Occasional
What would you do with a clone of yourself?
I’d wrestle it, learn from it, grow stronger.
Who does Bradley Cooper think he is?
Right! It’s like get out of here with those steely blues! But come back and give me one more hug.
You wake up tomorrow and remember that you’re Jason Bourne. What is the first thing you do?
Make a sandwich. Dramatically.
Cyber sex: what happened there?
I’m sorry, was that you? I just get into character you know, the anonymity is so freeing. I apologize.
What would Tyler Perry say if he met you?
“I know you put that Temptation poster up in your bed room ironically. Dick move”
Where did these Muppet Babies even come from?
Muppet sex. Clearly.
What would you say to your 12-year-old self?
Go ahead and keep watching wrestling and playing video games you husky prince.
Was there a moment where you felt you shared/said too much?
Like that time I told everybody I was a 30 year-old thumb sucker who has only slept with 5 women? Not that I can recall.
What is your most vivid memory involving a blacklight poster?
Walking past them at a Spencer’s Gifts to get to the sex stuff.
In the age of the Internet, is there anything libraries are still good for?
Homeless shelters. Can we seriously turn them into homeless shelters? Please.
What would your online start-up look like?
Facebook for pets.
You and Steve Jobs are hanging out. What’s the dynamic?
Spaceship cruising, typical Friday.