By: Alex Schmidt

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Why EVERY Mad Men Character Will Die This Season

There are TOO. MANY. THEORIES. for SOMEBODY not to die in Mad Men's finale on Sunday. Right? It's gotta be Megan? Or Betty? Or Bob Benson? Or even…you know, HIM?

Well the answer is yes, yes, yes, and you bet! Here's a rundown of how Mad Men mastermind Matthew Weiner's doing the mother of all season finales, in which EVERY CHARACTER ON THE SHOW will GET KILLED OFF in DRAMATIC FASHION:

You caught that Sharon Tate t-shirt Megan wore, right? And the time she showed up in Don's mind in CALIFORNIA (the OFFICIAL SHARON TATE STATE)??? Those are just some of many reasons we can see this shocking death happening quicker than you can say “ZOU BI ZOU BI ZOO.”

This amiable white guy has all kinds of issues. He's got a Dick Whitman past, which symbolizes the fact that Don will TRY TO KILL HIM! And don't forget those coffee cups he's trying to get everyone to drink from. Shades of Jonestown, right? Get ready to DRINK YER OWN KOOL-AID, BOBBY BOY.

This amiable white guy has all kinds of issues. Shot in the face hunting (DICK CHENEY METAPHOR), gets an eyepatch (PIRATE METAPHOR), gives up on Chevy (AMERICAN SPIRIT METAPHOR). Bad metaphors come in threes, and also they mean YOU'RE DEAD KENZO!!!

This amiable white guy has all kinds of issues. Notice how he makes people take their shoes off? Paul McCartney was shown on the cover of Abbey Road WITHOUT SHOES, because THAT WASN'T PAUL because PAUL WAS DEAD. It means Bert's BEEN DEAD FOR YEARS, killed by KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN which is why they brilliantly MADE BERT LOOK LIKE THE KFC COLONEL GUY.

This amiable white guy…wait, seriously? Is this whole show just a parade of amiable white guys?

Also isn't it weird that almost no important Mad Men characters get killed? One suicide and that's it? Every “great” hour show has tons of bloodshed: The Sopranos, The Wire, Breaking Bad, Deadwood, Game of Thrones

Yeah, fuckin' Game of Thrones, man…weekly bloodbath. Even if you've read the books first, it still rocks your ass.

Game of Thrones kills are so nasty I called in sick to work the day after the Red Wedding.

I didn't even have to lie to my boss. He got it.

Okay I Googled “Mad Men bloody” and all I found was a John Deere cutting a guy's foot off. Is this a great television drama? Because it sounds like a “You might be a redneck” joke premise.

Are we batting around Mad Men death theories because we need to make a quiet, thoughtful show seem more interesting than it is?

I mean, these are reckless people living in 1968 America. Everyone's death is plausible, for every reason.

WELL-ESTABLISHED REASONS ANY OF THEM COULD DIE: alcoholism, heart disease, lung cancer, diabetes, that asbestos cancer or whatever, undiagnosed gluten allergy, stress, legal drunk driving, post-LSD psychosis, Vietnam callup, gunfire, ridiculously high NYC crime rate, apartment bayonet, suicide, lightning, Commies, oversexing, cholesterol, Nixon murdering “enemies list” Americans, alcoholism, deranged hippie, alcoholism, post-assasination riot, alcoholism, open elevator shaft.

It's a period piece about people pouting in the past. You don't need to get Twin Peaks-level conspiracist about it.

Oh and Don Draper won't die because his personal style stays the same through the years therefore he's a Time Lord DUH!!!!!!!!!!1!!!

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