By: Pat O'Brien
Dress Up Like Papa Smurf
Think about it, what other character is as completely decked out from head to toe in red, white and blue? Superman? Uncle Sam? Captain America? Nope, those guys still have plain, skin-colored faces – and two of them don’t even wear their uniforms half the time. Based on his appearance, this elderly communist elf created by a Belgian cartoonist is about as American as they come.
Sport Blue Contact Lenses and Bloodshot Eyes
This one’s particularly easy if you actually have blue eyes and are high a lot to begin with.
Get Drafted by the Buffalo Bills
You’ll be sure to turn heads at your next 4th of July barbeque when you’re cooking hot dogs in a full, regulation, red-white-and-blue NFL uniform. Oh, and for those of you wondering “why not the Patriots?” – I get where you’re coming from but come on, some idiot off the street with absolutely no football skills can’t just decide he wants to get drafted by the New England Patriots. Be realistic, go for the Bills.
Lead the Cops on a High-Speed Chase
Cop cars are like a 4th of July light show on wheels! You get a whole fleet of these bad boys chasing you into the night and you’ll be basking from head to gas pedal in the majestic, glowing hues of Old Glory.
Raise Millions of Dollars, Purchase the Blue Man Group and Force Them to Hang Around You in Christmas Sweaters
This one’s sort of self-explanatory.
Become an Elderly Baboon
This is admittedly trickier. However, if you are able to pull it off (whether it’s through dying, being reincarnated as a baboon and waiting until your monkey fur turns white, or simply by finding a mad scientist who’s willing to transplant your human brain into the body of an already elderly baboon) one thing’s for sure: you are one patriotic motherfucker.
Or Simply Wave a Puerto Rican Flag
Just look at all that red, white and blue. Does it get more American than that?