By: Alex Schmidt

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10 Easy Ways To Get Jay-Z’s New Album

Magna Carta Holy Grail comes out July 4th ‘sort of. If you’re not sure how to hear Hov’s latest masterpiece right away, we’re here to help:

1. Purchase a Samsung Galaxy. You’ll be able to download the album for free on July 4th, long before the general public.

2. Come on, man, purchase a Samsung Galaxy. What, you won’t junk your current phone and violate the service contract just because Jay-Z ran a commercial during basketball?

3. Purchase a Magna Carta. There are four copies left on Earth, and each one comes bundled with the album (vellum parchment hard copy plus mp3 download).

4. Purchase a Holy Grail. Make sure it’s the cup of a carpenter, not a False Grail a Nazi drank from. The Holy Grail comes bundled with the album (wooden cup hard copy plus mp3 download plus opportunity to reconnect with Sean Connery who is your father).

5. Ask whoever leaked Yeezus to also leak Magna Carta Holy Grail. Good luck finding him/her, they’re basically Edward Snowden,, and Bigfoot all rolled into one.

6. Study Jay-Z’s Samsung commercial frame by frame, to use every audio snippet, equipment screenshot, and wisp of vague artsy bullshit to construct a likely version of the full album. Then listen to that, ya nut!

7. Hide out in Rick Rubin’s house. You could hear the album from there.

8. Hide out in Rick Rubin’s beard. You WILL hear the album from there.

9. Be Beyonc ‘. Is it really you, Bey? Can I just say that you’re my hero? Like, you’re the whole reason I got into writing.

10. Wait. Wait. Wait some more. Let your relationships fall apart. Let your significant other grow distant. Keep waiting. Watch society erode and cities turn to dust. Forget your fears. Forget your name. Wander. See the world. Eat a ball of hashish as you gaze at the Pyramids. Fall into a dream state. Meet your spirit animal. Kill your spirit animal. Inhabit your spirit animal’s soul. Wonder if this is all there is to life, just waiting for the next meal, the next screw, the next high. Wake. Complete your heroic journey. Return home a different person. By then it’ll be next Tuesday the 9th and that Jay-Z album will be on iTunes.

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