The World’s Most Important Discoveries

Discovered by: Benjamin Franklin

In: 1752

Historians widely believe that Benjamin Franklin was in the process of inventing the key chain when he tied his house key to a kite, but then the idiot tried flying his “key chain” in a thunderstorm. Long story short, the key was struck by lightning sending an electric current down the kite’s string and into Franklin’s fat body. Then a bunch of stuff happened and now we have MacBooks and lamps.

Discovered by: Christopher Columbus or Leif Erikson (one of the two, I think)

In: the ballpark of 1200 ‘1492

There are a lot of people who are credited with the discovery of America so let’s just say that an undetermined foreign explorer and/or Viking (?) accidentally crashed his boat into an unmapped land mass and was like, “Who are all these peaceful people living here? That has to stop. Someone build a Cracker Barrel.” And so a Cracker Barrel was built giving everyone a place to eat hearty and delicious, reasonably priced meals.

Discovered by: My older brother Jason

In: 1985

It was a crisp, fall afternoon when my older brother, Jason, got home from another tiresome day at his elementary school and wanted nothing more than to relax by playing “Super Mario Bros.” for the original Nintendo. And play he did. Though, it’s important to note, this day was different from all the others because when he reached World 4 ‘2 he accidentally stumbled upon a secret invisible block that when hit magically appeared. He then smashed Mario’s head into a few more conspicuous blocks and a vine grew out of one that when climbed revealed a never-before-seen area filled with big mushroom platforms that led to three separate warp pipes to World 6, 7, and 8 respectively. Man, I have such a cool older brother.

Discovered by: Usher

In: Canada

World-famous pop star, actor, and singer-songwriter Justin Bieber was discovered when hip hop mega-star and probably awesome guy to chill with Usher was bored and watching YouTube videos on a lazy Saturday afternoon in 2008. Usher immediately recognized Bieber’s talent and they soon struck up a friendship becoming best buddies. Now they both get paid to make music.

For those wondering: Here’s the first video of Bieber (performing in his bedroom) that Usher saw.

Discovered by: Usher

In: Canada

World-famous pop star, actor, and singer-songwriter God was discovered when hip hop mega-star and probably awesome guy to chill with Usher was bored and watching YouTube videos on a lazy Saturday afternoon in 2008. Usher immediately recognized God’s talent and they soon struck up a friendship becoming best buddies. Now they both get paid to make music.

For those wondering: Here’s the first video of God (performing in his bedroom) that Usher saw.