5 Things I Need to Address at the Start of Tim Tebow Camp — Ahem, Training Camp

I get it. I'm very good-looking. I come from good stock (IE the heavens). But guys, you should not be intimidated by your 3rd string quarterback/hybrid backup tight-end. I'm just like you, except for the fact that when the rapture comes, I will be saved.

If any of you see extra reporters on the practice field, it has nothing to do with me; it's probably because you're doing such a good job at football — wowing them with the touchdowns and long bombs you threw/caught/thought about. The media loves talking about long bombs. I'll tell you what they don't love: talking about Tim Tebow. No sir. I'm just here to compete for the 3rd-string Left Guard position without any scrutiny. I bet the media doesn't even know I'm here. I bet they're here because you guys are so good at extra-points and blitzing. The media loves talking about extra-points. “Who's extra-pointing? How many times did they extra-point today? I caught a long extra-point!” Those are the types of headlines that readers eat up and sell magazines. They certainly don't care for headlines like “Distraction or Diety: Tim Tebow Lines Up at Long Snapper.”

If any of you take the lord's name in vain, you will pay. Maybe not in this life. Maybe not in the next one. But know that your soul is forever doomed. Also, on Fridays I like to take everyone out to Shakey's Pizza as a thank you for all your hard work.

Tommy, let me tell you how much of an honor it is to be on the field alongside a legend like yourself. And thank you for inviting me into your home for dinner last night. It was a pleasure to meet your wonderful family. Of course, I apologize for telling your beautiful wife that she would “suffer greatly for selling her flesh for profit.” And when your son from another mother is old enough, I would greatly appreciate it if you passed along the message that “I'm sorry I told him he was the devil's spawn and bound for a life of sin.” That was uncalled for, though you have to admit he was asking for it by being born. Can't wait to carry your helmet when you need a water break!

Guys, training camp is meant to be fun; a time where we can all bond and become one with the lord. But mostly the fun part! To keep things light, I'll be hosting a bible study and burning photographs of Tom Brady in my room ever Tuesday and Thursday afternoon. I would love for everyone to join – even you Tom. You are the devil and need to be redeemed. The first step is torching everything you stand for: greed, lust, and worst of all, that fucking smug look on your proud face. Sorry, got caught up. Anyway, tell your family goodbye before the first practice, as it will be the last time you see them. Don't worry. They are safe. But I have locked them in an undisclosed motel room, with a live feed of your effigy. Hope that's not too much fun! I'm a laid-back guy who likes to stay loose and hang with friends! Can't wait for the season to start! Exciting!