By: Dashiell Driscoll
The idea that everyone lives is by far the unlikeliest ending of all. “Breaking Bad” has been a show about paying big consequences and few people, if any, are going to make it out of this series alive. Significantly more likely, Walt’s string of shitty decisions will add up to some kind of Dr. Strangelove Rube Goldberg machine that triggers a global nuclear holocaust. Come to think of it, “Everybody dies. Seriously. Everybody,” is probably the way this is all going to go down. Wouldn’t be surprised if Walt manages to kill a few alien races while he’s at it. Cue a joke from Hank about Gomez.
We’ve all seen the theory that “Breaking Bad” is a “Malcolm in the Middle” prequel. Walt leaves his life of crime behind and enters the witness protection program with Lois, Malcolm, Potsie and Eddie Winslow. Very cute theory. Lots of fun the first time you see it. Kinda whimsical the seventeenth time around. But the fringe contingent of morons that continue to think this is a plausible ending need to stop. Just stop it. Do something a little more worthwhile with your time, like get a Skinny Pete tattoo on your face or start smoking meth for real.
Baby Holly Becomes a Meth Kingpin
New Mexico is a pretty boring place, so people there are always going to do lots of hard drugs. With Walt’s story coming to a close, someone is going to have to step up to meet the demand. Baby Holly rules her drug empire with a tiny iron fist. If you don’t pay her, she’ll make you cry. Then she’ll start to cry. Then she’ll make you read her a bedtime story and play peek-a-boo. Hey, remember when Jesse played peek-a-boo with that meth addict’s kid? Right after she crushed her skeevey boyfriend’s head with an ATM? Talk about paying a fee for banking outside of your network! But seriously folks, that was probably the coolest shit I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Church.
Badger Spinoff Show
There’s a lot of talk about a potential spinoff (possibly starring Bob Odenkirk as Saul Goodman) but nobody is talking to anybody about a Badger show. Which is a shame for a few reasons. For one, the actor who plays Badger is a really nice dude named Matt Jones. He’s presumably got bills to pay just like the rest of us and would appreciate that level of financial stability. But on a bigger note, wouldn’t it be chill to watch a show about nothing? I don’t mean “Seinfeld” coffee shop banter nothing, I mean guy sitting on a bus stop looking at clouds nothing. Badger’s journey has included high-octane adventures ranging from holding a sign outside of a bank to laying low in Fresno. It would be so relaxing to tune in each week and check out all the things he’s not doing now.
Jesse Starts a Food Truck
There would actually be some nice character arc symmetry here. Jesse would be driving around a truck cooking, probably with a younger apprentice, serving less than healthy snacks to people in his community who can’t help themselves. Plus, you know it’s going to have a stupid food truck name like “Yeah, ‘Wich!” because they serve sandwiches or “Fat Snacks” because everything has bacon. The only thing sadder than no new “Breaking Bad” episodes after this year is knowing that Jesse’s happy food truck ending is almost certainly off the final season menu. (Editor’s Note: I’d be just as happy if Jesse started a clothing line of garrish, brightly colored sweatshirts that only a young Bill Cosby on ecstasy would consider buying.)
Walt Jr. is Keyser Soze
As the dust settles and pools of blood ooze out from the corpses of characters we’ve come to know and love, one young man rises from the pile of bodies. He throws his crutches away and corrects his stride as he strolls towards the embarrassing getaway car his mom picked out. It turns out he was the evil mastermind all along, forcing people to do unspeakable things just to feed his insatiable demand for breakfast and striped shirts. There are actually a lot of similarities between Walt Jr. and Keyser Soze when you start to think about it. Like for example: Did you know they’re both on AMC all the time? Fucking crazy. Beginning to think this one goes right to the top.
Walt F*cks Ted
“It’s over,” Walt says into his phone. “I won.” He is lying on a bed in a dark room, next to an exhausted Ted Beneke. Walt wears his tighty whities. Ted wears a full body cast with a few choice holes cut out and a smile. They breathe together in concert. “I mean, first I won. Then I let him win. Then we both won at the same time. We took a break, ordered a pizza and then later that night ‘” “Why are you telling me this?” asks Huell, Saul’s overweight security guard, confused about how Walt even got his number. “Because I just bought a new prepaid cell phone,” answers Walt. “And I am the one who talks.” Fade to black. Created by Vince Gilligan. Brought to you by Boost Mobile and Domino’s Pizza. Yeah, bitch. Yeah.