By: Dan Abramson
Welcome to the new Funny or Die. It's like the old Funny or Die, but now with greater usability, new features, and a brand new logo. We're moving on from our past while still honoring it, something we think you'll find too as you explore these new pages.
First off, the content's not changing. We can assure you that. The same top-notch videos and articles will fill these pages day in day out. Will there be jokes? Probably. Will they be funny? Despite the imaginative opinions of some fun-loving commenters, we'd like to think so.
So let's dive in, starting with the infrastructure of site itself. You may have noticed that the website conforms to the size of your browser. Whether you're using a smartphone or using 40-inch monitor because you need to prove you're a big fucking man with the biggest dick in Best Buy, it will adapt to your browser or screen size (Goodbye mobile site!). It's kind of like magic ‘ if your idea of magic is not necessarily a man pulling rabbit out of a hat, but a man who hasn't slept in weeks, coding a website at 4am while 30 people give their opinions on line height and — Wait, I've said too much. A magician never reveals his secrets.
We're also branching out in terms of content. No longer are we just a comedy factory, only pumping out hahas for comedy fans. It's all part of Funny or Die's plan to take over the world and expand our reach as much as we can. For example, we'll be running obituaries on a semi-regular basis — not for notable public figures, mind you, but for the regular joes who don't get the honor and tributes they deserve because their families cannot afford a funeral.
We also will have a dedicated section of the site devoted to planning your wedding, covering everything from latest wedding dresses to what invite font best represents you as a couple. There isn't any comedy here, but we've taken notice of the rise of wedding blogs and why shouldn't we get in the game? Come on in, there's enough internet for everyone.
We also have noticed that sports coverage is very popular online. Since we don't have a team of sports reporters at our disposal, we will be unable to cover everything. What we think is a great solution is that we'll be covering the sports team our research has indicated is the most commonly rooted for. So yep, every day check Funny or Die for the latest, in-depth news regarding The Miami Marlins.
But listen, if we're being honest, these types of things don't just happen. We had to sink a fuck ton of cash into this thing. To pay for it, we're going to be incorporating a lot more sponsored content. Everything's sponsored now: the videos, the articles, the pictures, the artwork, the fonts, the euphoric feeling you get when you share something you like, friends you've made, friends you've lost, skewed memories of the first time you made love, your uncle, the time you made love to your uncle, the defunct jamband website Jambase.com, #2 pencils, #3 pencils, that cat you saw the other day who didn't seem like it had an owner but probably knew how to get home; everything will now have a sponsor attached to it, courtesy of the excellent Branded Marketing team here at Funny or Die. So look forward to Wednesday's feature, “Randall Wikarski, 1968-2013: He Lived a Fanta-stic Life!”
So click around, watch things, read things. Let this website hold your hand as we wander off into the future of web comedy. We'll be waiting for you with the biggest fucking monitor we can find.