By: Pat O'Brien
The final episodes of Breaking Bad are upon us and there's one question on everyone's mind: “Did Hank ever finish taking that dump after he found the book?” No, the real question (though you're still wondering about the dump, admit it) is “how will it all end?” In an effort to answer this question, each week we're going to be presenting a new installment of “Predicting Bad”, in which we (badly) predict the fate of America's favorite meth kingpin and his family. ‘
OKAY, so, based on everything we know so far, here are some predictions of how it could all shake out (note that some possibilities have been ruled out since the first episode).
Hank and Walt calmly work out their differences in the garage over an ice cold Schraderbrau.
Jesse is drafted by the Miami Marlins after scouts notice his impressive throwing arm while he's hucking stacks of money from his car.
‘ Badger and skinny Pete sell their Star Trek pie-eating contest script and become kingpins of the science fiction-writing world. (looking less likely but still possible)
‘ The pine tree air fresheners start selling so well in their new display location that Skyler needs to rent another storage unit for all that filthy air freshener money. ‘
‘ Walt Jr. becomes embroiled in a bitter, Social Network-style battle over the rights to savewalterwhite.com.
‘ Bill Burr comes out and does like 10 minutes of his best stuff.
‘ Walt sends Hank on a “trip to Belize” ‘
‘ After trying to take Holly away from Skyler, Marie's kleptomania kicks back in and she starts stealing babies left and right.
‘ ‘Walt sends Hank on an actual trip to Belize!
‘ Jesse kills Hank in the interrogation room by pelting him with wads of money (and THEN ‘gets drafted by the Miami Marlins). ‘
‘ Lydia chills the fuck out for two seconds. ‘
‘ In a wacky AMC cross-promotional move, an elderly New York ad man named Don Draper is brought in to spice up the lackluster car wash slogan “Have an A-1 day!” ‘
‘ Hank takes a second and just confirms whether he did or did not complete the dump…it would only take a second, Vince!
Obviously, these are all viable options but no matter how the story ends, it's that final line of dialogue that's gonna be the most memorable. Whoever ends up uttering it, you just know it's gonna be a doozy. Here are some possible final lines of the series in no particular order:
‘ “Say my name”
‘ “Say my name, say my name”
‘ “Ricin beans ‘I thought you said rice & beans!” [explosion] ‘
‘ “Well, that's over. Who wants cake?” ‘ ‘
‘ “Drop the 'White'. Make it just 'savewalter.com' ‘it's cleaner.”
‘ “No, I'm his cousin, ‘Russ ‘Fring…and I brought cake!”
‘ “And that, children, is how your grandfather beat cancer and broke bad. [elderly Walt closes book, book explodes]
‘ “Jesse, Heisenberg is dead.” ‘
“What? Acclaimed actor Jesse Eisenberg is DEAD? Noooooo! [Jesse leaps out window, explodes]
‘ “Spell my name.” (this is unlikely but it would make total sense if said by Kaylee Ehrmantraut, who, as you can see, has a very difficult-to-spell last name) ‘
‘ “You ruined my dump, Walt. I never got to take my dump.” [cut to black, fade in: “Created by Vince Gilligan”]
‘ “Kevin! What did you do to my room?!”
Okay, so that last one is just the final line from the movie Home Alone but hey, it was memorable, right? That does it for this week's installment but be sure to check back each week as we recap the latest episode and continue to Predict Bad(ly).