Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Dogs but Were Afraid to Ask

Dogs are essentially bigger, non-feline cats who behave differently from cats and hate cats.

Their own feces, dog food, and anything.

No. In fact, the only reason dogs ever tried dog food was because their buddy Josh dared them to. They keep eating it to this day because they don't want to look like pussies in front of Josh.

Not bad, actually.

No ‘ this isn't about me. Next question.

The store, genius.

It's just – you made me feel pretty stupid back there with the whole dog food thing ‘I'm sorry I snapped at you.

Buds.

The biggest dog on record was over 7 feet tall, however, it later turned out to be several dogs stacked on top of each other trying to get into an R-rated movie.

Dogs rarely make it to 17 years of age, which is why they have to sneak into R-rated movies.

Three. Big dogs and small dogs.

You call me on my shit and I like that about you. There are three types of dog: big dog, small dog and Cool Dog.

Popularized in the 1980s, Cool Dogs are bred to ride skateboards, wear sunglasses and keep sexy bikini babes company while their husbands are away on business or at war. They've also been used to sell beer and attitude T's with slogans about not being a morning person.

That's not a question.

Dogs were forced to become domesticated when their whole family went on vacation to France for Christmas and accidentally left them behind. Out of sheer necessity, they learned to do laundry, buy groceries, and fend off robbers with a series of clever booby-traps.

Yes, but with DOGS!

Because they got picked on in high school.

Not much, dog, what's up with you? LOL.

No. Being the dog of a sitting U.S. president does not guarantee you the dog presidency. The current President of Dogs is Michael Dukakis' border collie, Chips.

SHE is a staunch Republican … Oh, what, does that shock you?

[Bark. Bark, bark]

That's not a question.