By: Pat O'Brien
After a tense, gun-wielding search through his gas-soaked yet surprisingly not-burned-down house, Walt is unable to locate Jesse, who has mysteriously disappeared after preparing to torch the place last episode. In the meantime, it turns out that attempted arson can be a real nightmare on carpeting, so Walt has to concoct one of his patented, old-fashioned Walt-lies about a gas pump spraying all over his groin. Walt Jr. smells bullshit, but only because he thinks his dad is covering up a cancer -induced fainting spell. Skyler is so used to the smell of bullshit that she doesn’t bat an eye when Walt suggests checking the family into a hotel (which Junior is obviously stoked about because of the continental breakfast).
FLASHBACK: We later find out that Jesse’s apparent change of heart was actually the result of Hank bursting in just in time to stop him from torching a perfectly good magazine (and house). Hank, in a bad-ass move he probably bragged to Gomey about later, tells Jesse ‘if you really wanna burn him down, let’s do it together”. Jesse, desperate to stop Walt, agrees to turn snitch for Hank. Hank, realizing that Jesse can’t be safe in jail, invites Jesse for a sleepover at his place. And what do you do at sleepovers? You dish – in this case, about Walt. ‘At this point things are just like a wacky sitcom but with way more frowning and swearing.
Alright, now that we're all up to speed, here are some updated (bad) predictions of how it could all shake out: ‘
- Marie’s one woman show ‘My Husband’s a Cop, My Brother-In-Law’s a Meth Kingpin…I’m In Therapy!” opens to mixed reviews.
- Hank teaches Jesse the ins and outs ‘of brewing Shraderbrau so someone can carry on the business if anything happens to him.
- Badger and Skinny Pete talk about Babylon 5 for 3 hours (3-hour series finale)
- That ‘job” Walt has for Todd’s uncle is actually ripping out ‘the old carpet in his living room (someone's gotta do it and Nazis work for cheap). ‘
- While Googling untraceable poisons, Marie gets sidetracked by reading reviews of the 2008 film Untraceable starring Diane Lane. ‘
- That ‘job” Walt has for Todd’s uncle is actually picking him up a copy of Old Yeller, which he realizes ‘he hasn't seen in ages (Heisenberg can't be seen buying things like that, it shows weakness)
- Walt pops in that ‘DVD of Old Yeller and has a good cry.
- Marie steals Jesse's Hello Kitty phone.
- Bill Burr does like 10 minutes of his best stuff.
- Huell rolls his eyes so hard ‘he ends up in the hospital.
Obviously, these are all viable options but no matter how the story ends, it's that final line of dialogue that's gonna be the most memorable. Whoever ends up uttering it, you just know it's gonna be a doozy. Here are some possible final lines of the series in no particular order:
- “Is that gas on your groin are you just happy to see me?”
- “No, I'm his cousin, Russ Fring”
- ‘Gomey don’t play dat!”
- “Well, that's over. Who wants cake?”
- ‘Kevin! You spent 967 dollars on room service?!”
Okay, so that last one is the final line of ‘Home Alone 2: Lost In New York ‘but hey, it's not totally out of the question, right? (The family is holed up in a fancy hotel and Walt Jr. ‘has been hitting the room service pretty hard…and as far as his name suddenly being Kevin, well, remember when he suddenly changed it to “Flynn” out of nowhere? I'm just saying there are four whole episodes left, anything can happen…)
That does it for this week's installment but be sure to check back each week as we recap the latest episode and continue to Predict Bad(ly).