Predicting Bad: Breaking Bad Episode 5 Recap

HOLY SHIT. ‘It's time for another edition of Predicting Bad, in which we recap the most recent episode and (badly) predict the fate of America's favorite meth kingpin. We've got a bunch more bad predictions ‘for you this week but first, let's recap last night's episode, “To'hajiilee”, which was as hard to look away from as it is to pronounce:

We open on Todd and the Nazi bunch cooking up a bland, flavorless batch of meth to the dismay of boss Lydia. Todd promises to try harder but soon doesn't have to when Walt's request for another “job” becomes leverage to get him to cook again. Walt reluctantly agrees to make one more batch of Mama's old-fashioned blue meth in exchange for a quick and painless extermination of his boy, Jesse. The only problem is, Walt doesn't know where Jesse is. In order to “flush him out” Walt pays a visit to Jesse's former girlfriend, Andrea and his own former poisoning victim, Brock. Walt makes some very awkward small talk with the boy (“Foot Loops ‘nice”) before tricking Andrea into calling Jesse in an effort to trap him on his way to her house. Little does Walt know that Hank is the one getting the calls on the ol' Hello Kitty phone. ‘

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Meanwhile, Jesse and Hank hatch their plan to find the only evidence there is on Walt: his money. First stop, Huell’s place. Hank tricks the lovable, plus-sized henchman with a fake gross-out photo of Jesse’s brains splattered all over the place and tells him that Walt is coming for him next. Huell, who’s only Huellman, caves and gives all the info he can on the whereabouts of Walt’s cash. It isn’t much but he at least supplies Hank and his homey Gomey with the info that it’s buried somewhere inside 7 Home Depot barrels.

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Hank, now a full-time special-effects photographer, has Jesse text a fake pic of cash in a barrel and tells Walt to get over here before he burns it all. Walt speeds over to his sacred plot of dessert as Jesse keeps him on the line by calling him “bitch” a lot. Once there, Walt realizes he's been duped into leading Jesse right to the money. In a panic, Walt calls the Nazi goons to come and take out Jesse and his approaching men – until he realizes that his men are Hank and Steven (Gomey's first name is Steven – isn't that weird?). Walt then calls off his dogs ‘or so he thinks.

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WALT IS CAUGHT! If there weren’t three episodes left and a guaranteed longer-haired flash-forward, it would be almost unbelievable. Walt gives himself up, forced to his knees and cuffed by Hank as he stares disgusted at Jesse for having a become what he used to hate most (a squealing betch). Walt calls Jesse a “coward” and Jesse fires back with the ultimate “nuh-uh” by spitting in his face. The two charge at each other in a way that’s almost adorable (look how worked up they still get over each other!) until Walt is thrown into the back of Hank’s car. Hank then calls Marie to tell her the good news when suddenly – UH OH – Todd and his band of scary men decide to show up after all, wielding big, racist guns. A standoff ensues, badges are requested and OH GOD EVERYONE IS SHOOTING AT EACH OTHER HOW IS THIS GONNA END?! WHAT? IT JUST CUTS OFF MID-SHOOTING???

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Yep, it just cuts off mid-shooting. We'll have to wait another week to find out what happens and why all these guys are such terrible marksmen. But have no fear because in the meantime, here are some (bad) predictions of how things could all end:

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• Having literally nothing else to do, Huell says “fuck it” and watches an episode of Low Winter Sun. ‘
• Lydia takes a page from Dum-Dums and markets that batch of meth as “white mystery flavor”.
• Walt replaces Brock's Froot Loops with some homemade Ricin Krispies.
• Saul takes off that blue ribbon after realizing ‘it's from like 3 seasons ago.
• Walt describes a recent turd he flushed as having been “like family” to him.
• Walt Jr. becomes embroiled in a bitter, Social Network-style battle for the rights to savewalterwhite.com (looking less and less likely but still possible).
• Cow brains go on sale like RIGHT ‘after Hank buys them at ‘full price. ‘
• Walt's feelings get hurt from everyone calling him “asshole” all the time. Even Heisenberg has feelings!
• The Nazis play Walt's desert coordinate numbers in the New Mexico state lottery and LOSE (serves 'em right, the ‘racist fucks).
• Badger and skinny Pete sell their Star Trek pie-eating contest script and become kingpins of the science fiction-writing world. (also looking less likely but hey, 3 episodes left!)
• Having refused Todd's offer of a second teabag, an undercaffeinated and ‘groggy Lydia falls into one of the vats and becomes Meth Woman, the most jacked-up, stressed-out superhero in history.
• Brock reveals that ‘he actually likes the taste of poison and everything works out just fine. ‘
• Bill Burr does like 10 minutes of his best stuff.
• Jesse ‘and Walt end up prison cellmates in a wacky Orange Is the New Black-style situation.
• Hank finds the following letter, which we hear read in voiceover: ‘

Jesse: “You see us as you want to see us… In the simplest terms, in the most convenient definitions. But what we found out is that each one of us is a brain…

Todd: …and an athlete…

Marie: …and a basket case…

Skyler: …a princess…

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Walt: …and a criminal…

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Jesse: Does that answer your question? Sincerely yours, the Breakfast Club…bitch.”

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Okay, so that last one was just the ending of The Breakfast Club ‘but hey, it sorta works, right? Anyway, that does it for this week's installment but be sure to check back next week as we recap another episode and continue to Predict Bad(ly).