19 Predictions for Apple’s Keynote Address

Another Apple keynote is upon us. What will Tim Cook unveil?

‘

• New 'Tim Cook 5S'
• Bug fixes to the movie 'Jobs'
• Finger-sniffing technology ‘
• Free pack of smokes
• The iSamsung Galaxy S4
• New, cheaper iPhone for stupid, dirty poor people w/ greasy fingerprint recognition technology and a general disdain for its user
• New gold iPhone designed especially for show-offs
• A sandwich with two iPads for bread ‘
• A way to convince Deborah to take you back
• New iPad shuffle that jumps to random pages in books whether you like it or not
• Bar graph showing how much fun everyone is having
• Photo of the child who made your phone
• Smart watch (a normal watch that your grandmother thinks looks 'very smart' on you) ‘
• Handwritten plea for help from the child who made your phone
• New iSlap bracelet with optional iScrunchie
• Eazy-E hologram demos latest version of Outlook
• Ashton Kutcher runs onstage to reveal that the whole movie thing was just an elaborate Punking ‘
• 10 Free Hours of AOL