By: Pat O'Brien
It's time for another edition of Predicting Bad, in which we recap the most recent episode and (badly) predict the fate of America's favorite meth kingpin. We've got a whole new batch of bad predictions for you this week but first, let's recap:
This week's episode, “Granite State”, was not quite the harrowing thrill ride of last week's “Ozymandias” but was a doozy nonetheless. We open on a bit of a bait-and-switch with Saul, not Walt, being shuttled to the vacuum cleaner store/new identity warehouse. While the ink is drying on his new Nebraska driver’s license, Saul is given temporary room and board in the basement…but guess who’s also down there? Uh-oh! Roomies! Yep, Walt and Saul get in one last hang sesh together, wherein that ever-scheming Walt tries to get Saul’s help putting out a hit on the Nazi goons who killed Hank and took his money. Despite Walt’s attempt at intimidation, Saul effectively tells him “better call someone else” and leaves, thus ending Saul Episode IV: A New Hope (see ya in Episode 1!).
Meanwhile, the Nazis have ransacked the Shrader house (knocking their Deadwood dvds all over the floor) for Jesse’s confession video, which they find, watch and very rudely talk throughout. Like some sort of hate group version of Mystery Science Theatrer 3000, they mercilessly goof on Jesse until the part where he tells the cops about Todd killing the kid on the dirtbike, the first of many “Todd moments” (a Todd moment is sort of like a “brain fart” except it involves shooting an innocent person out of nowhere). Uncle Jack goes to kill Jesse for ratting but Jesse is granted yet another reprieve when Todd talks Jack into keeping him around for meth’s sake, which the goons take as Todd merely being “sweet on” Lydia. One of them says “coochie” at one point. It’s all very gross. Either way, Jesse’s alive.
Meanwhile, back in the woods, Walt receives chemo and bulk glasses from Saul’s guy, whom he pays an extra 10,000 dollars just to stay and hang out with him for an hour. Walt then hatches a plan to get money to his family by mailing a box to Walt. Jr.’s pal Louis (sort of a “Bob Sacamano” character who’s often referred to but never seen). Walt calls Jr.’s school to set it up but Flynn is not having any of it. He’s still not nuts about the fact that Walt killed uncle Hank (though technically he didn’t!) and asks him “why don’t you just die already?!”
Okay, now that we’re all up to speed, here are some (bad) predictions of how this crazy thrill ride will come to an end (next week!):
- Rumors swirl that Hank is alive after the purity of Shraderbrau jumps to 96 percent.
- Walt is surprised to find that he actually likes Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.
- Todd hosts a show called Talking Good wherein his guest, Lydia, corrects him that it should be “Talking Well“.
- Having no place left to store it, Walt attempts to drink that whole case of Ensure and gets a tummy ache. 🙁
- Badger and Skinny Pete are interviewed by Charlie Rose about the legendary Star Trek pie-eating contest script that made them famous.
- Lydia finds that ricin is an even better sweetener than Stevia after Walt ricins the shit out of her.
- Bill Burr does like ten minutes of his best stuff (come on, only one episode left for this to happen! We want Burr!)
- The nazis steal the recipe for Shraderbrau but are unable to add the secret ingredient: love.
- Heisenberg’s journey comes to an end when the cops trace him to a New Hampshire web cafe where he’s stopped to leave a positive review of Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium.
- The nazis decide to end their evil ways and have their all swastika tattoos changed to the Microsoft Windows logo (it’s not like they love Microsoft Windows or anything but there are only so many things you can change a swastika to).
- The ’52’ bacon on that plate is PEOPLE! IT’S PEOPLE!
- When whimsical 243 year-old eccentric, Mr. Magorium, bequeaths his store to Molly Mahoney, the awkward and insecure manager, a dark and ominous change begins to overtake his once remarkable Emporium.
Okay, so that last one was just the plot to Mr. Magorium's Wonder Emporium but hey, CHARLIE ROSE was in this week's episode so clearly anything is possible. That's all for this week's installment but be sure to check back next week for the FINAL recap and one last round of Predicting Bad(ly).