By: Alex Watt
10 Easy Ways to Become a Lousy Vegetarian
1. Become a Pescatarian
A pescatarian is someone who eats fish, but not the flesh of other animals. Nobody wants to hear the term “pescatarian” spoken, so people will be more than okay with you describing yourself as a vegetarian, even if it’s a lie. Bullshit is a great fertilizer, and you’re a plant person now.
2. Don’t Become a Vegan
Being a vegetarian means depriving yourself of meat–I mean murder–delicious, delicious murder, so you might want to wait before giving up some of the wonderful things like butter and mayonnaise that will end up killing you. If you want to go vegan, go vegan, but also know that that means going to restaurants and eating nothing but the hate-filled words you’d like to direct towards the inconsiderate neanderthal who brought you to a place that doesn’t have the decency to offer a menu item that doesn’t include meat, fish, dairy products, eggs, honey, or the spit of a frustrated waiter and isn’t just a leaf no one looked the wrong way at.
3. Date a Vegetarian
Love can make you do crazy things, but it can also make you do sane things. If a date can make think about washing your sheets, it can make you eat a little bit healthier or more eco friendly. There are few things more romantic than a shared order of steamed tofu, provided its stench can cover up the wall of smells hovering above the bedspread you ultimately decided to spray with whatever you could find in your apartment that sprayed.
4. Spend Time Around Animals
The more you’re around something, the less you’ll want to eat it. That’s obviously not the case with pies left on a windowsill to cool after being baked by a cartoon housewife from the 1950s, but it can be with living things if you give yourself the time to see that they breathe and have disgusting shit come out of it just like you do. You didn’t want to eat your freshman roommate on move-in day, and you definitely didn’t want to eat them after they barfed into your laundry bag while celebrating the end of the semester.
5. Go Nuts for Nuts and Also Nuts for Legumes
Nuts taste great and are packed with protein. They’re like tiny little steaks that you can eat a bunch of and are really nothing like steaks. Peanuts aren’t nuts, but they are the steak of legumes. Yeah, beans are good too, but bean butter doesn’t go quite as well with marshmallow fluff–if it exists at all.
6. Fill Up on Bread
If you think giving up meat is hard to do, talk to someone who gave up simple carbohydrates. If they don’t say the miss bread, they’re either lying or eating bread. In addition to tasting great, bread is also inexpensive–assuming a half pound of roast beef isn’t sandwiched between slices.
7. Cover Everything with Cheese
Cheese makes anything delicious, even vegetables and whatever seitan is. Cheese can also be eaten on its own and–you know what? That’s actually a lot easier.
8. Treat Yourself to Dessert
Nothing died because of you, so why diet? Most desserts are vegetarian, and those that aren’t are disgusting ice cream and bacon concoctions that some lonely teen threw together for Tumblr notes. You might not have done anything to actually deserve dessert, which is essentially a meal you eat to celebrate eating a meal, but when have you ever?
9. Wear Baggy Clothes
There’s a good chance that, as a vegetarian who doesn’t eat all that many vegetables, you’re going to gain weight, but even if you don’t, you’ll likely want to be ahead of the fashion curve. Style is cyclical, and each day you spend wearing JNCOs is a day closer to those mammoth-wide legs being cool again.
10. Shut Up
Personal choices rarely come up if the one who made them isn’t bringing them up. People won’t give you a difficult time for not eating meat if you don’t give them one for eating meat. If they do, they’re related to you, and there’s nothing you can do about that. You probably won’t get anyone else to give up meat this way, but, let’s face it, this was all about you in the first place.