By: Pat O'Brien
Predicting Bad: Breaking Bad SERIES FINALE Recap
Well, gang, this is the end. All (half-)season long, we've been bringing you (bad) predictions of how this crazy thrill ride we call Breaking Bad would come to a close, and now it really has. Did many of our predictions come true? No. Did Badger and skinny Pete actually end up becoming science fiction kingpins after selling their Star Trek pie-eating contest script? No. BUT they DID end up becoming a lot richer thanks to a sorta-sciencey fictional story they helped tell to Walt's old partners (laser pointers=science, lying=fiction), so there's that! Yes, the series may be over, but that doesn't mean we can't squeeze out one last round of predictions for what happens next to the surviving characters, alternate endings and all the other half-assed ideas we have kicking around. Because hey, it's now or never! First things first though, let's recap the final episode, “Felina”:
DREAM SEQUENCE: Jesse in a beautiful carpentry fantasy before he is snapped back to his bleak reality of leashed meth production (and you thought your job was bad!). We then finally catch up to those earlier flash-forwards of Walt doing some birthday baconplay at Denny's and collecting his ricin from the ol' Heisenberg place, as the neighborhood children must be calling it by now. And now? Yep, time to find Lydia. Ever the scheduling freak, she's still having the same Tuesday business meetings with Todd that she used to have with Walt ‘same table even! And same Stevia. Under the guise of having one last, desperate business proposal, Walt creeps over to her and Todd's table long enough to secure a meeting with Jack that night, but the main purpose of this mission has already been accomplished: adding a spoonful of ricin to Lydia's beloved Stevia packet. “Bye, Lydia.”
Next stop, Skyler's smokey new crib. She gets a call from a non-purple-wearing Marie, warning her of reports that Heisenberg's back in town ‘but Skyler's way ahead of her, Walt is already there. The two of them have a final chat in the kitchen where Walt finally admits that this whole foray into the meth/murder business was not actually for his family but for himself, admitting what everyone else has known all along: “I liked it. I was good at it…I was alive.” Skyler accepts this as well as the lotto number-coordinates leading to Hank and Gomey's bodies, which he tells her to use as leverage for a deal with the prosecution. Walt then bids farewell to a sleeping Holly and steals one last look at Flynn from afar. And that's that.
Now, the moment we've all been waiting for: the face-off between Walt and Jesse. Walt slides Jesse the gun he just used to kill Jack, Jesse picks it up and points it at him. “Do it” Walt says, “you want this.” But Jesse is through being told what he wants. “Say YOU want this! Nothing happens until I hear you say it” (the “bitch” on the end is silent but it's there). Jesse notices Walt is already shot in the gut and Walt confirms “I want this”. “Then do it yourself” Jesse says before dropping the mic, I mean gun, and walking out. Walt then hears Todd's adorable “Lydia” ringtone and informs her that the tummy ache she's feeling will be her last as he catches Jesse getting into a car.
So that's it. The loose ends are pretty much all tied up. Jesse will never again be anyone's bitch, and Walter sort of gets away with it, dying probably the most satisfying death one can in a meth lab run by nazis. The series may be over, but that ain't gonna stop us from (badly) predicting what, hypothetically, might happen next:
- Marty Robbins tapes start flying off the shelves.
- Stevia sales drop off but quickly pick up among potential murderers.
- Badger and Skinny Pete really bug the shit out of Gretchen and Elliott with those laser pointers.
- It turns out that the whole series took place inside Jesse's wooden box.
- Jesse's trades the wooden box for an ounce of weed.
- Jesse gets high and builds an awesome new box on his upcoming HGTV spinoff woodworking show, Making Wood.
- Someone says something to Skyler about smoking with a baby in the house! Damn!
- A deleted scene reveals the original final dialogue between Walt and Jesse to have been:
WALT: “Jesse, wait. I just wanna say…you look pretty cool with a beard.”
JESSE: “So do you, yo….so do you.” [Created by Vince Gilligan]
- Jesse adds “meth slave” to his resume.
- Badger and Skinny Pete star in the new series Pointers, about two nonviolent assassins who settle disputes using nothing but their laser pointers (coming to the CW in 2014).
- A newly-freed Jesse has never been more thrilled to hear “Who Let the Dogs Out?” on the radio.
- Huell, still holed up in that apartment waiting for Hank, becomes the only remaining viewer of Low Winter Sun.
- Bill Burr does like 10 minutes of his best stuff.
- After being asked how he enjoyed eating his free birthday breakfast at Denny's, Walt Jr. replies “I liked it. I was good at it…I was alive.”