By: Brian Boone
‘ The Arcade Fire is a very large organization, and it’s vital that you follow and use the “Buddy System.” Pick a buddy wisely ‘you will bunk with this buddy, take meals with this buddy, sit next to this buddy on the Arcade Fire shuttle, hold hands with this buddy on scheduled Arcade Fire public outings, and write heartbreaking anthems of ennui and loss with this buddy.
‘ It’s important for the Arcade Fire to look sharp. Two uniform sets will be issued to you: the first consists of one (1) white shirt with reflective black stripes, one (1) pair of tight white trousers, and one (1) pair of calf-high lace-up white boots. The second set includes one (1) black shirt with reflective white stripes, one (1) pair of tight black trousers, and one (1) pair of calf-high lace-up black boots. Each uniform costs $390, which will be added to your debt.
‘ Daily uniform inspection takes place each day at 6 a.m., 12 p.m., and 6 p.m. Deviation from standard uniform will result in demerits, which add to your debt.
‘ All valuables, including jewelry, photographs, personal effects, and communication devices, are strictly prohibited. Surrender any and all such items immediately to Diane, Arcade Fire member coordinator.
‘ When boarding the Arcade Fire shuttle, please make sure that Diane checks your name off on her clipboard. We will take a head count before and after we arrive.
‘ As you leave the stage after each performance, immediately hand your tambourine, woodblock, or other percussion instrument to Diane. Failure to do so will add to your debt.
‘ Any socializing or fraternizing with members of the Polyphonic Spree is strictly prohibited. Offenders will spend a fortnight alone in the mystical woods behind the dormitories.
‘ All children conceived and birthed by one or more members of Arcade Fire are the sole legal property of Arcade Fire, Ltd. They are to be turned over to staff upon birth.
‘ Primal screams are allowed, but only into one of Arcade Fire’s many gigantic costume heads, or in the mystical woods behind the dormitories during Exercise Time.
‘ You are free to leave the Arcade Fire only when your parents’ debt is paid.
‘ Pizza Day is Friday.