By: Simon Rich
Lou Kalunksy died last night at the age of 68. He worked at this newspaper for over forty years, where he served as the Obituaries Editor. Despite Kalunksy's decades of hard work, he was never given a shred of respect by anybody. His editors paid him terribly and his colleagues made fun of his weight and speaking voice, which happened to be high-pitched.
During his tenure at the Herald, Kalunsky wrote over 10,000 obituaries. He also masturbated in every single room of the bureau, including his editor's office (twice). He was never caught, even though he masturbated at work a minimum of once a day. In addition to masturbating everywhere, Kalunksy often took pencils off his colleague's desks, went into the third floor bathroom, and put the pencils inside of his butt. Later, when nobody was looking, he would put these pencils back on people's desks. Everyone at the newspaper used pencils that had been inside of his butt.
Once a week, Kalunsky went to work early and spat in all the water coolers. Everyone drank his spit all the time.
Kalunksy is survived by his coworkers at the Herald, including Sheryl (who ate his special dietary yogurts without asking) and Paul (who called Kalunsky “Ka-lumpy” behind his back.) Both colleagues drank his spit and used pencils from his butt. One night, Kalunsky took Paul's ruler, which he uses all the time for layout, and jammed it really deep inside of his butt. The next day, he saw Paul using the ruler and laughed so hard that he started to cry. People asked him what was so funny and he said “Jeff's political cartoon,” but really it was the fact that Paul was using a ruler that had been incredibly deep inside of his unwashed butt.
In lieu of flowers, please send bags of shit to the offices of the Glendale Herald.