By: The Occasional
OWNER: Gather round, team… It looks like we’re going to have to discontinue our new policy where if female customers claim to be unable to pay for our pizza deliveries, it is acceptable for them to compensate us with sexual favors instead of money.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: Are you serious, boss?
OWNER: I know, I know. This is tough news.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: People love that deal. We love that deal.
OWNER: Look, I crunched the numbers, and we’ve lost thousands and thousands of dollars since instituting it. That’s something I didn’t account for when I came up with this promotion. And it’s just fiscally irresponsible, no matter how much our customers are enjoying the deal.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: What about when they greet us at the door and say “Is that the Hot, Large Italian Sausage?”
OWNER: Good question, Vince. But alas, no, you’ll have to accept some form of American currency.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY 2: You’ve got to be kidding me! I hate this!
OWNER: Jason, settle down. Nobody’s happy about this. All I want is for this business to succeed. That’s all I ever want. And quite frankly, I’m shocked that it didn’t work. It pains me to think about that single mother who doesn’t have the time or money to cook for herself and her barely 18-year-old daughter. She will no longer be able to pay us with steamy mother-daughter action ‘ But blowjobs, three-ways, and reverse cowgirls don’t keep the lights on here, do they?
PIZZA DELIVERY GUYS: (silence)
OWNER: No. The answer is no. They don’t.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: What about hand jobs?
OWNER: Unfortunately not, Vince.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: What about when a lesbian couple offers us the opportunity to watch them have sex instead of paying for the pizza?
OWNER: It’s a gray area, but I’m going to have to say no. In fact, let’s just go ahead and say anything that can be deemed “hot action” is off-limits when it comes to being compensated for our pizzas. All that said, the only way you can accept hot action is if they ALSO pay the full amount for the pizza. Any hot action between you and the customer has to be off the books and in addition to collecting the full amount for the pizza.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: Are we going to lose our jobs?
OWNER: That’s the thing. If our accountant is correct — and he better be, considering the amount of cold hard cash he’s getting paid — we’ll actually be making more money.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: Quick question about the accountant. Can we have sex with him so he works for free?
OWNER: That’s what I thought. He just gave me a weird look and seemed to skirt the question.
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY 2: (punches wall)
OWNER: Jason! Control yourself. We’ll figure this out. In the meantime, we’ve got that plumber showing up any minute now. And if you’re going to have sex with him, make sure he actually does clean our pipes first. They’re filthy.
Illustrated by Justin Bilicki